Understanding Triggers
TW: brief mention of suicidal feelings, urges, sexual assault, workplace harrassment
The secondary title of my upcoming memoir is “Life Should Come With Trigger Warnings.” I almost like that title better than the actual title. Alas, it doesn’t encompass the entire theme of the book enough.
Trigger warnings and content warnings have been popping up more and more often recently as a way to notify people about what’s coming up in a tv show, article, caption, etc. in case they want to avoid it. And I do wish that it were the case that we received warnings before being faced with our triggers in everyday scenarios. Unfortunately, real life isn’t as kind as the media world.
Triggers can be anything that reminds you of a traumatic moment in your life and causes you to re-experience the volatile emotions of that moment. They can cause flashbacks, or panic attacks and even if the reaction is not that extreme, they can bring you back mentally to the place where you were when you experienced a certain trauma. It is important to note that triggers and trigger warnings are not merely about people being too sensitive. I’ll share some examples from my own life in a moment.
Obviously not everyone will be bothered by certain topics, and you should be thankful if you haven’t experienced traumas that make certain topics unbearable to you. But to quote very well mind, “Feeling triggered isn't just about something rubbing you the wrong way. For someone with a history of trauma, being around anything that reminds them of a traumatic experience (also known as a "trigger") can make them feel like they're experiencing the trauma all over again.”
It can be very damaging to someone’s psyche to be made fun of or belittled because of triggers that they cannot control. So please be mindful about how you talk about triggering topics.
The thing about triggers is that they can be anything! They can be certain smells, sounds, touches, textures, phrases, etc. They can seem like they don’t make any sense. Basically, traumatic moments can attach themselves to anything and your memory will associate that thing with the traumatic moment. It is your body’s way of trying to protect you from repeating that danger.
Sometimes they make sense. I was sexually assaulted in a walk-in fridge during an internship in high school. Years later, as an adult, I freak out a little inside when someone follows me into a walk in fridge. I had an incident in my last job where a line cook who always flirted with me came into the fridge when I went to grab something. I started screaming and shaking.
A picture of me at my old job where I discovered my adverse reactions to walk in refrigerators.
Sometimes certain triggers can seem a little nonsensical. For the longest, I hated the song ''Break Up With Your Girlfriend'' by Ariana Grande because it reminded me of a past relationship where a girl who wanted my ex asked him to break up with me to date her instead and she did. Whenever I heard those lyrics it would feel like my heart was being squeezed and feelings of worthlessness and inferiority would threaten to drown me. I have screamed and shouted at people to change the song when it came on in the car.
Triggers do not have to last for a lifetime if you do some work to reframe them. Even knowing that they don’t have to last for the rest of your life doesn’t stop them from potentially being long-lasting. (Remember that healing isn’t linear.)
I went to visit someone’s house once and was triggered by the number of firearms that were just casually lying around their house. Even though I no longer struggle with suicidal feelings, it brought me back to the moment when I sought to end my life with one. I had been mentally teleported back to a time where I would look at that kind of weapon with longing, desperate to end my life quickly. I was faced with many intrusive thoughts that were urging me to grab the one that was within reach. I was deeply disturbed by this reaction and left feeling rather unsettled.
Don’t beat yourself up for your triggers. It may seem like they’re stupid, but they’re not. Try not to judge yourself for what seems like a weird trigger. They’re not trivial and you can’t control the things that cause these reactions. No matter what triggers you, know that it is valid. It might be helpful to communicate your triggers to others if something they did or said contributed to your distress.
Healthline.com has a very helpful guide about how to talk about your triggers in a very productive way. The following bullet points are part of an excerpt from their article on triggers and the link is referenced at the end of this article so you can read more if you so desire.
State your feelings as specifically as possible. “When you said X, it made me feel anxious and afraid because of my history.”
State a boundary. “It’s hard for me to talk about X. If it comes up in conversation, I’ll need to leave the room.”
Ask for a warning. “I know it’s hard to avoid the subject of X. Could you let me know beforehand if it’s going to come up?”
Unfortunately for me, I am either non confrontational about things, or emotionally volatile and start screaming at people. There has been no healthy in-between in my personal experience so moving forward I will be trying out this conversational guide.
Acceptance is the first step to working through your triggers. I will always be a proponent for therapy, as well. Even if you don’t work specifically with your therapist to help get over triggers, you can learn many other valuable lessons in distress tolerance and self-soothing skills.
Exposing yourself to certain triggers in a safe way, when you feel the timing is right can be a healthy way to move forward. There is no reason to rush your healing process. I obviously haven’t worked through all of my triggers. If you’ll remember, a few months ago I wrote about PTSD and being afraid to spend time with my cousin one-on-one because of the abuse I suffered from another male relative. The other day I went to my cousin’s house and we had a pool gathering with a couple other cousins. When they left, I wasn’t even afraid of being around my cousin at all. We continued to have a great time up until my mom came to get me. I am so grateful that I’ve made such progress in such a short amount of time. Obviously, continuing to strengthen my relationships with my cousins helped a lot with this.
Captured by my cousin, Khalil
I listened to the entirety of Thank U, Next one day and allowed myself to play through the song Break Up With Your Girlfriend. I spent some time journaling out my feelings about the whole situation with my ex and read through some of the past entries I’d made back when we were still dating. (Upcoming Memoir spoiler alert: he was a terrible boyfriend.) I was able to make peace with the fact that someone else got him to break up with me. I am thankful for her interference, even. And now I can sing that song, which is all the better for me because I was missing out on a BOP!
So please be mindful and respectful of others’ triggers and if you are dealing with having multiple triggers, take heart and know that it is possible to work through the effects of being triggered with time. Even if the trigger doesn’t go away completely, know that with time you will gain the skills to navigate your past traumas in a way that adds to your emotional intelligence. You are not a flawed or scarred human being but you will be a kinder, more compassionate being for having learned to deal with these unpleasant circumstances. Who knows, maybe one day you will be able to help somebody else who is struggling with their own triggers, and even if not you can help them to know that there is nothing wrong or abnormal about having these involuntary reactions.
References:
https://www.healthline.com/health/triggered
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-triggered-4175432
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