My Borderline Personality and Me
By: Kiana Blake-Chung
So, what is Borderline Personality Disorder you ask?
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying mood swings, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.”
More specifically,
“People with borderline personality disorder may experience mood swings and display uncertainty about how they see themselves and their role in the world. As a result, their interests and values can change quickly.
People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their opinions of other people can also change quickly. An individual who is seen as a friend one day may be considered an enemy or traitor the next. These shifting feelings can lead to intense and unstable relationships.”
“Other signs or symptoms may include:
Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned
A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation).
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
Self-harming behavior, recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats
Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by (what can be) irrational fear of other people’s intentions
And feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, seeing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality.”
Borderline Personality Disorder, like most mental illnesses, falls on a spectrum and an individual can struggle with all of these symptoms, or just a few of these symptoms. The intensity of which an individual experiences them can also vary.
Image captured by Hope Adams
So, here’s a little bit more about my Borderline journey, and the symptoms that resonate most strongly with me. One of the key aspects of Borderline is the attempt to flee abandonment-whether it be real or imagined. This was most apparent for me in my first relationship. My ex promised me the world and everytime he didn’t follow through with his actions, my fear that he would leave me became greater. Towards the end of our relationship we had to be together almost 24/7 or I would have no peace- I would feel this desolation if I wasn’t in his presence. It felt as if he left (to go home or hangout with someone else) that I would never see him again and that terrified me. It caused the idealization and devaluation pendulum to swing erratically. One second I would look at him as if he hung the stars and the next I would think he was an awful human being, which caused me to lash out at him verbally.
In lesser extremes, my friends have had to put up with a lot too. I get mad frequently & quickly and cut them off due to my “all or nothing” mentality. My thoughts would change from “these are my best friends” to suddenly being flooded with paranoia; “they hate, and are out to get me.” I would also say awful things to them and dramatically leave the group chats. It was very damaging and I think they’re the best people in the world for still loving me.
Likewise, my self-esteem has experienced the same levels of inconsistency. I think I am both an amazing human and the total package, which can shift dramatically into self-loathing and thinking I am a bottom of the barrel human being. It’s a complete 180. And those self-loathing feelings are frequently and swiftly followed by suicidal ideation.
The other day my sister asked me what it feels like to have a Borderline episode ™. (An episode ™ to me means something small happening that causes me to either experience fits of rage or begin idealizing suicide.) She asked if it is easier now that I’m aware of the problem. The truth is, sometimes I don’t even realize when I’m being extreme. And even when I do it’s kinda like being drunk- you know when you’re drunk (experiencing an episode™ ) but only time makes your blood alcohol level (emotions) go down. I can read the Bible, pray, color, meditate and all that is well and good but truly it just takes time before I can feel safe again whether that’s safe in my relationships with people or safe because I am no longer a danger to myself. Oftentimes these episodes come suddenly- I can never expect it. Thankfully these days they are few and far between. 😌
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