Cognitive Distortions
a.k.a. the Curse of Having a Childish Mind, Part I
BY: KIANA BLAKE-CHUNG
There are so many different words and phrases to insult somebody in the English language (really, any language) and yet the insult that wounds me the most is being called childish. For all intents and purposes, the word childish is used to invalidate one’s feelings, similar to the word dramatic. But at least when people call me dramatic I envision I could have had an amazing career as a Broadway actress. Being called childish is particularly gear-grinding because it kinda rings true. Difficulty with regulating emotions, is a hallmark for both toddlers and borderlines. After all, one of the factors that affect your emotions most is your thoughts. This presents a major problem when your thoughts are warped into intricate untruths that you have adopted to be fundamentally correct. This brings me to today’s lesson on cognitive distortions.
I first learned of cognitive distortions via a therapy worksheet that was given to me and has since been lost. In beginning my attempt to write this post I googled cognitive distortions and have come up with a myriad of different definitions and examples. So I will list my sources and speak mostly on what affects me personally. (As always, because I cannot speak to anybody else’s experience.)
Captured by Nova D. Visuals
Makeup by Somanetha M.
Psychcentral.com defines cognitive distortions as “Ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves.” There are various categories that label the different patterns these thoughts can take such as jumping to conclusions, taking everything personally, blaming, all or nothing/ black or white thinking, catastrophizing, filtering (only seeing the bad), mind reading (assuming things that people didn’t say) and many others. When these thought patterns are most prevalent, especially when we act out of them, we are using what they refer to in DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) as our “emotional mind” and not our “wise mind.” Which is to say that our decision making is impaired.
One of the major factors in experiencing wild mood shifts (for me) is belief in these emotionalized, contorted thought processes as absolute truths. Even when I logically know these things to be untrue, my heart believes them and I have to wrestle with the distinction between what I feel and what I know, which is a lot of emotional labor and leaves me feeling drained. The best method of dealing with them for me is using grounding techniques. I state what I know to be true, despite how I’m feeling. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling immediately, but it helps to remind me that my feelings are not absolute facts, which helps me to avoid impaired decision-making a little less.
Me thinking twice before contemplating murder
Captured by Nova D. Visuals
Here are some examples of distorted thought processes that I’ve experienced recently, beginning with the Great Chili Incident that’s been the catalyst for my rapidly deteriorating mental stability. (In all fairness, the start of quarantine was probably the true catalyst). I made some delicious chili a few weeks ago and didn’t get to eat much of it at dinner before I had to jump on a zoom call that ended up going pretty late. The next day I went to eat some leftovers only to find that there was no more chili left. This led to a scuffle with my youngest sister who was eating the last bowl of chili and me stealing her phone in retaliation with the intent to destroy it, and if not destroy it then at least defile it. (Use your imagination; I’m crazy, okay?)
Rationally, I knew there was no reason to be upset because I hadn’t set that chili aside specifically for me, and her eating the leftovers is hardly worth me destroying her phone! So, I hid it instead and my mind instantly shifted into the All or Nothing mentality. “If I can’t eat my chili, I won’t eat at all. I will starve to death and that will show them.” (I am embarrassed to type this,and even more embarrassed to have felt it, which is part of the reason why this is my first blog entry in weeks.) I had to remind myself of the facts. Despite feeling this way, not eating would only harm myself, and it’d take an awful long time to die of starvation, which I don’t think I could remain angry enough for long enough to make a reality. Regardless, it did take me two full days to eat again.
Captured by Nova D. Visuals
When I call a friend in a time of need and they don’t pick up, my instant thought process is: “They don’t like me! (Personalization.) They’re unreliable and I can never call them again, EVER!” (Black or white thinking.) I remind myself constantly that my friends love me; they are busy with their own demanding lives, and that doesn’t affect their love for me.
I’m sure I don’t have to go into much detail about the ways my mind has been catastrophizing lately, as the state of the world is quite literally appalling. Suffice to say that my mind has not been the easiest place to be recently with all the different thoughts I’ve been having to struggle against to maintain my wise mind. In some ways, it would be easier if I could just surrender to these thoughts and lash out my frustrations on every single occasion that presented itself. (I’ve had moments where that happened as well, one time in particular that happened so quickly, I worried I was truly beginning to lose my mind.)
Wrestling with these thoughts has become an almost full time job in quarantine, when there is not much else to help distract from them. All of this has hindered my ability to write about my mental health during this time. However, I’ve been reminding myself not to judge myself too harshly for everything I’m experiencing and extend grace to myself.
I don’t want to hyper-fixate on the negative and discount all the ways in which I have improved since last November. Therefore, I must remain diligent in correcting every errant thought, until my wise mind becomes my natural state of mind.
My hope is that if you ever start to find yourself on the verge of invalidating someone by calling them dramatic, you stop to think about all the ways in which they are attempting to maintain control of their thought processes before they act out of their emotional state and give you a real reason to call them dramatic.
And definitely think twice before calling us childish.
Me happily going to jail for murdering the next person that calls me childish.
Captured by Nova D. Visuals
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