Covid Reflections
It’s been a tough few weeks. I’ve had a couple deaths in my extended family and on top of that, I got Covid a few weeks ago, which explains my absence. This experience made me reflect on a couple things, the first being how grateful I am for the people in my life. In a future blog post where I go into more depth, I’ll share how I used to search constantly for love and friendship and affection and be constantly let down. There have been several moments these past few weeks where my friends have brought me to tears with their generosity, thoughtfulness and just overall covering of prayer and well wishes. I have truly been blown away. When I posted a status the other day, when I was feeling a little better, to thank my friends I was shown an even greater outpouring of love. It has been overwhelming in the best kind of way. My friend sent a DM in response to my status and said that the people in my life are a reflection of how amazing I am and I bawled my eyes out.
The second reflection I had was born from my physical suffering. While I didn’t have the worst case of Covid, I had moments of worry and concern when I was sent to the ER by the staff at the Covid isolation hotel where I was staying with my sister. There was one night in particular after I had returned home where I was feeling extremely sick and having difficulty breathing and was genuinely worried that if I fell asleep I might not wake up. I kept playing the song Great Are You Lord by All Sons and Daughters over and over, particularly for the one lyric: “It’s Your breath in my lungs.” I prayed well into the night, that song on repeat, “Please don’t let Your breath in my lungs run out, Lord.” A few days later I was feeling better and thought how strange this newfound aversion to death was for me.
Sharing with my friends that I had Covid, and how I felt about it.
I had been suicidal for years, over half of my life, and even in moments where I was not actively suicidal, I welcomed, or at best was indifferent to, the thought of a sudden demise. I have quite literally never thought of death with fear in my heart until that moment of struggling to breathe all night long. Once I realized that change in heart, I was blown away by the difference between 2021 Kiana and younger Kiana.
Korin with the candid hospital shot. I was very fortunate I got to experience this with my sister and wasn’t alone.
While I was eager to share my growth with my therapist, I was a little ashamed to tell her that the number one thought on my mind was, “I can’t die; my book isn’t finished yet!” My shame comes from the fact that I believe my love for my family and friends should have been at the forefront of my mind. However, I suppose I have had years of pushing people towards the back of my ‘something to live for’ line to assuage the guilt I felt at my potential leaving them. My therapist has since told me to not be ashamed- it is important to have something to live for, and it can be whatever you choose.
I sent out so many thank you cards as soon as I felt better.
My book being at the forefront of my mind was indicative of the purpose I feel it has given me. I haven’t had the satisfaction of finishing something of great magnitude in several years. The most glaring example of this would be a half-finished college career. I would just like to finish this one thing- writing a book and it will somehow redeem the misplaced sense of failure I’ve felt for years. Maybe once it’s finished I will go back to being indifferent towards death. This may be part of the reason that it’s so hard for me to actually finish the mostly complete book. (Part of me also thinks this has something to do with undiagnosed ADHD but I digress.)
My hair when I finally took it out of my bonnet after weeks.
I was asked years ago by a friend who was also battling suicidal ideations what my reason for living was. I didn’t have a very compelling answer to give at the time which is why I always thought my death by suicide would be inevitable. (My friend for example, said her kids are her reason why, and I wished I had something or someone that I felt this obligated to.) The fact that I have finally found something that is this important to me is cause for celebration. I would have never realized how much this meant to me if not for that moment where I couldn’t breathe.
When your double mask becomes an eye cover also.
While it was a very rough three weeks this moment, and the pride I felt with how far I have come in life, caught me by surprise, and my hope for you is that if you want to end your life, or even if you’re indifferent about your life ending, that you will find something that will fill you with a sense of purpose. I hope you will get to experience the feeling of being so held and supported by your community that it brings you to tears. I hope you will live long enough to have a moment where you are in love with your life and don’t want to see it end. Now that I have made it to the other side, I can say that Corona gave me a much deeper appreciation for life, and for the people in my life. As scary as it was in the moment, the experience overall was bittersweet and character-building and for that I am grateful.
S/O to Korin Blake-Chung for editing, and to my patrons for their support of my writing career. If you would like to join you can click on this link:
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