Healing My Inner Child- Reparenting Myself at 30

By: Kiana Blake-Chung

“What was your favorite movie as a child?” 

“What was your favorite childhood snack?”

“What game from your childhood was your favorite to play?”

With growing discomfort, I looked at this questionnaire at a loss for words. What age is supposed to come to mind when people ask me about my childhood? I don’t remember ever feeling much like a child, due to some intense parentification that probably started as early as 7. I only ever remember feeling burdened by responsibility. 

I asked my Instagram followers what age comes to mind when they’re asked about childhood? Most say 8-12. My mind automatically goes to Kiana in Kindergarten. I don’t remember being stressed out in Kindergarten. Granted, my big sister was still in the home. She left for boarding school when I was in 7, and I think that is effectively when my childhood began to dwindle and I became a MUVA! No drama! 

I have never related to anything as much as I relate to this kitten.

When I think of the time that most would call their childhood, I think of making dinner and helping three younger sisters with their homework. I think about carefully rationing the food in the fridge and worrying about my single mother’s finances. I was a middle child suffering from Eldest Daughter Syndrome™, a term coined by eldest daughters everywhere on social media.

Me and my 3 little sisters. The youngest is badly photoshopped, I know.

Watching my friend’s children get to experience true childhood has opened my eyes to what I was deprived of. I can’t imagine them having to go through some of the things I went through as a kid. I can’t imagine what I’d be like now if I hadn’t either. When I think about it from this vantage point, I finally understand why one therapist I saw back in 2016 for a few months was so intent upon getting me to heal my inner child. I’d dismissed her at the time, because I had much more pressing adult trauma that I thought should take precedence. 

When people started talking about inner child healing on social media, it was mostly limited to eating the treats you want and wearing bright clothing. I started wearing more fun and colorful outfits, but that didn’t feel like it was doing much more than scratching the surface of a rather large problem. It wasn’t until this year that I finally began to devote some time and attention to the 5 year old Kiana Mana inside me and get in touch with her needs and emotions. The steps are a lot harder than they sound but the good news is that once they click, they CLICK!

Self portrait mid twirl in a recent particularly whimsical outfit I put together

Conquer Negative Self Talk

The first task has been to conquer negative self talk. I used to be very harsh with myself at all times, if not borderline verbally abusive. The way I spoke to myself was most definitely an expression of how I felt about myself. 

It may sound bizarre, but the internet trend of girlification that was popularized on Tiktok is what led to my revelation that I’m Just A Girl™! When I curse myself for making a mistake I am reaffirming the toxic belief in my 6 year old self that there is something inherently wrong with me for making a mistake. In truth, I am a 30 year old girl (a 10 year old adult) and this is my first time on Earth. I’m bound to get it wrong occasionally. Changing out words like “dumb” and “stupid” with “silly” seems juvenile, but this small act of self-compassion has gone a long way for my mental health.

The most powerful tool for me in this process has been visualizing myself as that little girl. I  looked at pictures of myself and even made my screen saver a picture of the little girl it was now my job to re-parent. (Worth noting that I did much of my own parenting the first time around, but just with the understanding of a child.) At 30 years old, I have a better understanding of the patience, gentleness and kindness that go into raising a child. If I wouldn’t speak that way to my 5 year old self, then I shouldn’t speak that way to my 30 year old self. 

My kindergarten picture, circa 1999.

Repurpose Your Imagination to Cultivate Joy

For many years now, my imagination has been commandeered by anxiety. I could think up a million ways for a situation to worsen in the blink of an eye, but I couldn’t use that same creativity to brainstorm solutions, even if I sat at a table with pen and paper for an hour. I’ve put a lot of time and attention this year into harnessing my creativity to create a life that I enjoy. I’ll write about this in greater detail in my next blog post. For now, I can say that carving time out of my schedule to set aside for play, exploration, and creating are literally rewiring my brain. Taking the time to notice the good in life helps me to cultivate joy. I do this by writing in my gratitude journal every night. 

Learn How to Enjoy Your Own Company

I have spent an exorbitant amount of time alone this last year. Newly single and fairly close to never mingling again, I’ve had to learn to enjoy being alone. I have tried to schedule regular hangouts with my friends, but life continues to be busy for so many.  When I was still planning my infamous 30th birthday trip, everyone would excitedly ask me who I was going with. “Nobody. I’m going by myself and I’m sad about it.” This statement would just bring forth gushing sentiments of how! much! fun! solo travel is!! I’d clench my jaw every time to keep from screaming: “WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT TO GO BY MYSELF?! THAT BITCH IS TRYING TO KILL ME! WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP LEAVING ME ALONE WITH HER?!?!” And while my trip was still miserable for several reasons, being alone was surprisingly Not That Bad™. This year, me and my AMC A-List™ membership have seen 14 movies, 13 of which were alone. I’ve gone out by myself to dinner regularly and I bring a journal and intentionally spend the time getting to know myself over internet quiz questions. Turns out, when I’m kinder to myself I actually like myself!

Exercise Self Love- Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

I’ve seen the quote “You can’t hate yourself into a version of yourself that you love” many times and I adamantly agree with it. I’ve found that love is a much stronger motivation. When taking care of myself is tedious, I remind myself that I have to do these things because I love myself. Loving myself means feeding my body nutritious food, so I make the effort to cook when I know I could just as easily eat nothing and I might not notice until I wake up the next day feeling faint. Caring for, and cleansing my body is an act of self- love. Telling myself that I deserve to live in a clean environment helps me foster the discipline to tidy up after myself. Doing these things reinforce my sense of self-worth and make me feel a lot better about myself! This can be the hardest part about inner child healing– being the parent you need(ed). Because even though I’m still Just A Girl™, I’m also a whole grown up, and I have to face that music. The good news is that when I embrace my inner child, I can face it dancing.

A very wise quote from a trusted mentor.

S/O to Candice Blake for editing this post.

If you find this post valuable and believe in the mission of Mental Health Tings and would like to partner with us financially, you can make a one time donation by buying me a coffee! 

You can also make a recurring monthly donation by signing up for our Here for the Blog $10 a month Patreon Tier.

All donations go toward the subscription cost of maintaining the website as well as payment for the various guest bloggers.

Thank you!