The Insomnia Speed Bump
By: Lauren Barrett
I truly thought I was cured. For six months, I had stopped fearing getting little sleep, wondering if I would cope the next day, and letting go of sleep efforts. I was functioning better than ever, even if I got a night of 4 hours of sleep. I was barely taking any prescription or over-the-counter medicine. I had nearly stopped tracking what time I needed to go to bed, what time I fell asleep, and how many hours of sleep I got. I had simply accepted what was and let go. There were times when anxiety would creep up again, yes, but I did a good job of monitoring my thoughts, getting curious about them, and accepting them. I had heard about speed bumps. I knew that I would probably get one. But I never expected to fear the speed bump so much.
Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash
What causes insomnia?
As I now know, insomnia is truly a learned fear of NOT sleeping. It’s not that you can’t sleep. Remember that sleep is passive. It’s that you are so fearful of NOT being able to sleep that your brain goes into hyperarousal which prevents you from sleeping. Essentially, it’s a fear of being awake. For me, it happened one summer a couple of years back. I had a lot of stressors in my life, and one particular night I didn’t sleep at all. In the past, I would have shrugged it off, but this time I became fixated on why it happened and how to make sure it never happened again. I turned to sleep hygiene as recommended by many doctors. I then became entangled in the trap of trying to fix my insomnia with sleep hygiene thus creating a learned fear.
What is an Insomnia Speed Bump?
Your brain is a powerful tool. It was designed to help you survive, so a speed bump is your brain’s way of telling you that it is perceiving some sort of threat. As hellish as insomnia is, I think that that is pretty cool. Your brain is looking out for you. It is a night of sleeping little after several good ones. Or it is that stretch of sleepless nights after a few weeks of not struggling. The speed bump can be triggered by a certain event and then your brain starts to remember, “Remember that last stint with insomnia. That was awful, wasn’t it? Let’s not go through that again.” And then what happens? You guessed it. Hyperarousal because your brain is going into problem-solving mode to figure out what you did wrong and how to stop it. Holistic sleep coach, Beth Kendall, points out that when this happens It’s completely normal.
Isabella Fischer on UnSplash
My Experience with Insomnia Speed Bumps
My last big bout with insomnia, the one where I realized that I had a problem and needed help, started with this scenario: I got sick, had a few restless nights, ran out of my “just-in-case” calm-down medicine, had a hard time of getting more for various reasons, then went into extreme panic (aka hyperarousal), and then had a week of poor sleep. Somewhere in my brain, I remembered that experience and how awful it was. So when six months later my son and I got sick, and I had a few restless nights, a seed of doubt etched its way into my mind. I then got tangled amid a full-blown speed bump.
Night One, I got 3 hours of sleep. That wasn’t too bad, and I tried to live my life fairly normally the second day. But when the second night I got 0 hours of sleep, I was in full-blown panic. And I was in despair by the third night of 0 hours of sleep. I would do anything to get my hands on my medicine, even though it was the weekend and my doctor’s office was closed. I was perplexed as to why this was happening. I thought I might never heal. I was scared.
My thoughts spiraled into never sleeping, losing my job, ending up in a mental hospital, getting hooked on medicine, developing some terrible health condition, hallucinating, having psychotic episodes, and ultimately having my son and husband leave me.
My body felt like it was buzzing and electric currents were going through me. I was shaking and having hypnic jerks, but my one saving grace was that I had an understanding ahead of time what they were and that they were NOT dangerous. It was truly a hellish experience.
Unfortunately, now I know that there are very few doctors and therapists that truly get insomnia. I have found very few people and articles on the internet that are helpful. Other insomniacs would agree. It’s no wonder so many people have trouble sleeping and suffer from sleep anxiety. Our society has conditioned us to be afraid of being awake at night with all their fear-inducing headlines that are often not true at all.
It’s no surprise that cultures and societies that don’t live by the rules of the clock, do not have a word for insomnia. Because there’s no reason to fear being up at night, they are also much healthier. We DO NOT all need 8 hours of sleep. Insomnia will not cause long-term health conditions. The only reason why we think it will or that we feel tired when we don’t get the “recommended” hours of sleep is because we have been conditioned to believe this.
When I stopped fearing that I absolutely needed 8 hours of sleep, I was less tired when I didn’t get it. In fact, I felt like I had more energy. My one glimmer of hope was that I discovered The Sleep Coach School and read about other insomniacs who had recovered having nearly the same experiences and feelings as me.
Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash
What I Learned About My Insomnia Speed Bump?
I like to remember that with each bout with insomnia and each speed bump, there’s something to learn and that each one takes me closer to recovery.
Here’s what I learned:
Sometimes medicine is an act of self-care. Both times I thought I didn’t need it, and I had problems. While one day I do hope to be completely void of it, right now I have it on hand as self-love for myself.
I have made progress but still have to fully accept my insomnia and let go. While I was okay with little sleep, I learned that I was not good with no sleep. I still very much feared being awake.
According to the Sleep Coach School, my desire for sleep is what is causing my trouble for sleep.
Our brain confuses sleep as something that we can fight. We cannot fight sleep.
Also according to the Sleep Coach School, there’s such a thing called the Gas and Brake model. The Gas Pedal is your sleep drive. It’s what is guiding you to sleep. Your Brake Pedal is for safety. It’s hyperarousal. We can go to bed with one of the four combinations:
No gas, no brake. Sleep will not happen because of no sleep drive but because there is no brake you are often lying there peacefully.
No gas, yes brake. Sleep will not happen because there is no sleep drive but hyperarousal is present, so you are lying down very nervous and wide awake.
Yes, gas, yes brake. This is the typical scenario for insomnia. There’s sleep drive and hyperarousal present. Your sleep is very fitful and fragmented.
Yes, gas, no brake. This is sufficient sleep.
I have an understanding of why I can’t sleep, now I need to fully accept being awake at night when I am and let go of all sleep efforts.
Right now I’m just going to let things be. Maybe I need more help from a therapist regulating my nervous system. Maybe I need more help with a sleep coach. But right now I’m just letting go.
I will have more speed bumps.
If you have insomnia please consider these communities. They are the only ones I’ve found so far who are truly helpful and get it. They have free and paid resources.
Lauren is a multi-passionate mom. She has been a high school teacher of the Deaf and hard-of-hearing and special education for 13 years, a cross country coach for 12 years, and a mom blogger for 4 years. She lives in North Carolina with her husband, James, and son, Henry, and they are in the process of adopting a baby. You can read more of her work on her website.
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