Discovering Discipline
My favorite tradition from my ex-church is every Christmas Eve they have a church service and at the end of the service you get to choose an envelope from a plastic white bucket. This envelope contains a character card: a tiny note card containing a virtue that you are supposed to work on for the subsequent year. I haven’t gone to the service since 2016, however, every year I ask someone to bring me back a card or two. (Subscribe to my Here for the memoir Patreon if you don’t wanna wait til my book comes out to learn how I got unofficially banned from this event.)
This year’s character card for me was discipline. The word discipline was defined for me in the following way: Receiving instruction and correction in a positive way; maintaining and enforcing proper conduct in accordance with the guidelines and rules.
Right away I decided that the purpose of this word discipline was to challenge myself and become disciplined in my writing and to finish my book. I completely disregarded the definition as I glued my character card to the inside of my planner and decided that was it. Besides, I am grown. Who is correcting me?
ID: Image of me holding up my character card ‘Discipline’ that is pasted in my planner. It’s a real close up of my face and I borderline have crazy eyes.
God always has other plans. I finished my first draft of my book in May and I was almost like “now what?” The correct answer, which I tried to avoid for the subsequent two months, was “edit it!” Discipline in writing dropped off my radar. But, in early May God decided to redefine what discipline meant for me. He did so by reminding me of the original definition which I had all but suppressed in my mind. I was having a conversation about the Holy Spirit with my friend Maria, particularly in regards to sin. I told her that I ultimately view sin as anything that goes against what the Holy Spirit convicts you to do. Later that night God asked me if I meant what I said. We tend to communicate fairly informally, so I responded with an eloquent “well, yeah…”
He asked, “if I asked you to not watch porn and stop masturbating would you do it?” My breath caught. I wanted to say no but I thought back to my character card definition. This was an opportunity to receive correction. “I suppose, God. But you will have to help me.” He reminded me that in the past, whenever I have trusted him with different areas in my life he always blessed that. So, I decided to learn discipline in my sexual life. It hasn’t been easy but the good news is I have been able to quit pornography cold turkey. It has officially been over three months since I have watched porn. And it’s almost entirely by his grace alone. We (me and God) are still working on the masturbation aspect. (Note: hypersexuality is one symptom of Bipolar disorder, sexual trauma etc. that is not often spoken about. I didn’t want to include this, and don’t know if I’ll ever expand to talk about it some more. I just thought I would mention it so you know that if you struggle with hypersexuality, you’re not alone.)
I excitedly told a couple friends who have known me for a long time and known my struggle with lust. Something had already stood out from the past times I had tried to quit. God himself was correcting me, not a leader or my own conscience. While I may be able to resist input from external sources, I am not prideful enough to ignore the voice of God.
Hebrews 12:11 says “No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” While I am still a long way off from producing a harvest of righteousness, I do feel a modicum of righteousness. I find it quite a pleasant feeling. Now in moments of temptation I can remind myself how long it has been and the desire to not ruin my streak trumps everything else. As for an increase of peace? That has definitely come with the latest way discipline has cropped up in my life.
The most basic way I could learn discipline has been in establishing a routine. After months of feeling poorly and feeling badly for myself while in a long-lasting funk, I decided to pull myself out of it by taking physical care of myself. In the past, I have attempted complete overhauls of my life and maintained this dramatic shift for approximately three days only.
This time I decided to reintegrate self-care into my life slowly, determined to think of it as a series of exercises in discipline. I began taking my medicine every night for a week. I was successful. Then I dedicated myself to eating three times a day on top of taking my medicine every night. I was successful. I have since added brushing my teeth and my face twice a day and writing in my journal daily. This week my challenge is to wake up at 9:00am every day (with the intention being, in time to wake up by 7:30am). So far I have been successful. My goal is that in ten more weeks my life will look unrecognizable.
ID: Image of me wiping my face of with a towel after washing it. Image captured by Kalia Blake.
What I have found to be true in the past few weeks, is that taking care of myself in small ways has helped me to be more productive than I ever could have been. I feel a lot better about myself physically and I am so very proud of myself as well! Waking up in the morning and washing my face and brushing my teeth and eating breakfast are such simple ways to feel energized for the day! Why did nobody tell me about this before? (Lol) When I write my to-do lists I find that I am able to cross off the majority of the list. Whereas before I would attempt three tasks a day, I find I am able to achieve an average of seven tasks a day! What an improvement!
Taking care of yourself is one of those things that neurotypicals take for granted. Depression can rob people not only of their appetites, but also of their motivation to cook meals for themselves. Oftentimes and lately, I find that I have a difficult time remembering to eat; that’s if I ever notice I’m hungry in the first place! Something that comes naturally for most people is a discipline that I have to practice. The same thing goes for keeping up with hygiene. If you barely have the energy to stay alive, you probably won’t bother with things like showering very often.
In the NIV version of the Bible, 2Timothy 1:7 says “For the spirit God gave us does not make us timid but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” I like the King James Version of that scripture better. “For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind.” I’m no linguist, (believe me; I tried to be) but it seems like there might be some implication that self-discipline and a sound mind are connected. At least in my experience I’m learning that they are definitely connected.
2 Timothy 1:7 as illustrated by YouVersion’s Bible app
Anybody who would like to join me in this weekly challenge of practicing daily discipline can do so. I highly recommend it. If you need a group of people to hold you accountable, you can join the Mental Health Tings Facebook group by pressing the button below. We would love to have you as part of our internet community.
As I’ve found out throughout this year, discipline can mean many different things. It is not always easy, but it is rewarding and so far I have seen that when I stick to a routine, and when I stick to certain principles I gain not only righteousness, peace and a sound mind, but also a productive lifestyle. Discipline, for me, is where the magic happens.
ID: Image of me surrounded by fake pink roses at Magic Hour NYC. Sitting on pink steps that read ‘where the magic happens’ on the bottom step. Image captured by Kevin Pittman
If you would like to join our online community, here is the link to the Mental Health Tings Facebook group.
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