Spiritual Warfare for Suicidal Christians

By: Kiana Blake-Chung

In April, I saw Ilinoise on Broadway and was struck by the scene where they so beautifully and accurately (I feel) depicted suicide through dance. The character had been sitting in his grief and despair when Death, an actor in a black morphsuit, came to entice him. Death lured the character to the top of the Sears tower where a bunch of different Deaths danced around him. One by one the faceless black symbols of Death swayed, portraying wistful, suggestive movements falling so naturally, almost haphazardly off the ledge of the Sears Tower set. You should follow us! Falling would be the solution! The dance felt like a taunt and seduction and the cycle repeated with the symbols of Death reappearing and falling while the character agonized over the decision until he succumbed to the temptation and jumped. The ending felt inevitable throughout the whole scene. The confidence that Death danced with suggested that even Death knew it would eventually win.

In the past, I’ve written posts at the beginning of the year where I share my word of the year and my character card etc. This year, I skipped the tradition as I really was not planning on sticking around past my half birthday. I told my best friend on New Year’s Day that I felt I had a 15% chance of making it to 2025. My character card of the year was CAUTION (which does not seem like a characteristic!) The definition was: knowing to be alert in a hazardous and dangerous situation, both in the physical and the spiritual. I’ve stated emphatically in the past that while I do not believe at all that mental illness is demonic (or whatever else the judgmental ill-informed church aunties be saying) I do believe that the nature of suicidality is a spirit sent straight from hell to torment. Those who have attempted probably know how hard the human body can fight to stay alive. While life and death are both natural phases of life, the forcing of death to bend to human will is unnatural. Obviously, this battle is one that is fought in the mind, which can make one assume that it must have originated in it as well. I personally don’t believe beings who are programmed to survive against all odds are being instructed by the very organ that wants them to stay alive to end their lives instead. Seeing this scene performed on stage was so powerful to me because it illustrated the 

belief that suicidal thoughts are the result of external forces at work (whether demonic entities or the personification of Death.)

What is spiritual warfare?

Coincidentally, spiritual warfare was the subject of the last session of the Sower’s Summit I went to last June, taught by Pricelis Perreaux-Dominguez. It was a miracle I went back for the last night to attend that session because I’d been rubbed so emotionally raw the night before, that I was tempted to skip out on the rest of the conference. I do believe that Satan had no desire for me to ever attend that session. 

“The enemy comes only to steal, kill and destroy,”John 10:10 begins. It’s a scripture I know very well, and the one that Pricelis started her sermon with. “And he’s damn good at it,” I wrote in my notes. Simply put, spiritual warfare is the term used to describe the internal and external battles we face against the forces of evil that are always at work against us.

“He will stop at nothing to steal your hope, kill you, and destroy your future.” I have to admit I’d never given much thought to what was being stolen from me and how. Pricelis proposed that one of the tactics of the enemy is stealing our memories with the goal of forgetting that God is good. I’ve fallen for it hook, line, and sinker at several points in my life.

Remember God’s Faithfulness by Counting My Blessings

The CAUTION card was a warning for me. A plea to see what's happening. I remember opening my card on Christmas Eve, in the same church where I’d tried to end my life ten years ago on that day, saying “yeah I know! But what of it? It's above me now." CAUTION was God telling me to fight back. I was offended at first. What had I been doing?! I thought about it and realized I could try a little harder to get on the offensive. Spiritual Warfare to me was an offensive stance, but I had no hope that God was on my side. No confidence that His angels were at all concerned about me. Prayer was not yet a tactic I could commit to because I was already too used to doubting His goodness. 

I saw this card and I said: "CAUTION is not a characteristic!" 

I could commit to strengthening my memory. I took a walk down memory lane, rereading tons of old journals to find prayers I’d prayed and long ago forgotten. Even some of the prayers that had been answered were things I’d forgotten I’d specifically asked for in the past. I was amazed to see the ways in which God had been faithful to me that I’d never acknowledged. Counting your blessings seems like a cliché until you realize how well it works at improving your mood.

Combat Negative Thinking by Noticing God’s Goodness

Another old interpretation I’d had of John 10:10 is that the devil wants to kill me. Sure, that’s his end game, but before it ever comes to that, he works by killing our light to elevate the darkness. “The enemy wants us to binge watch our trauma,” is something Pricelis said that stuck with me. I definitely have a tendency to fixate on every bad thing that has ever happened in my life the moment I face a fresh disappointment. This tendency has the power to turn papercuts that would require bandaids into stab wounds requiring triage. 

Negative thoughts literally rewire our brains to multiply negativity! It’s a pattern that you can break out of by intentionally choosing to be positive. (Not to be confused with “choosing happiness” which does not work!) The most simple and effective way to remember God’s goodness is to look for it. On January 1st I started a new journal and  began an exercise that had helped me once before— writing out every good thing that happened to me/ that I noticed that day. Recognizing the beauty in life naturally led to a posture of gratitude. A few short months into this practice and I came to realize life isn't all bad. (This was an important distinction because I really struggle with all or nothing cognitive distortions.) Tracking my mood in the Daylio app also helped with this. This daily 10 minute task strengthened my inner resolve until I was strong enough to begin to pray again. According to Mark 11:24 you have to believe God will grant you your desires before you can ever receive them. And the more you believe in His good nature and that He wants good things for you, the more you feel comfortable asking for the good things you desire.

Learn to trust God by Meditating on the Truth

When your mind is entrenched in a web of lies that have successfully rooted into your psyche, it takes intentional work and effort to uproot them with truth. Finding scriptures that breathe life into you are essential. Having them written on notecards to sift through regularly, or post around the house where you can see them helps to keep them at the forefront of your mind. I compiled a list of scriptures I find particularly helpful for me. When you struggle with cognitive distortions, journaling out the true statements that contradict your beliefs can be helpful. For example: the lie of “my friend hates me because they didn’t answer the phone” can be combated with the following statements: 

I know my friend loves me because they show they care for me in many ways.

I know my friend is busy and cannot always answer the phone. 

A scripture I framed and displayed when I was struggling to believe God loved or liked me very much.

It’s a rinse and repeat formula but I promise that it becomes easier with practice, and less necessary as the lies come to mind less and less frequently. Romans 12:2 is correct in that we can be transformed by the renewing of our mind. It just takes time. 

I’d previously thought of spiritual warfare as stirring yourself up in your most holy faith and praying in tongues for an hour every day. I’m positive that is one way to do it, but knowing there are more practical ways I can fight my spiritual battles daily helps me to believe that I can fight my battles against darkness even when my faith isn’t at its strongest.

Post Script:

Obviously there was plenty more to the original sermon I heard that night, but it is impossible to summarize a 45 minute lesson in a thousand word blog post. If you’d like to hear Pricelis Dominguez speak, she’s hosting another Sower’s Summit in New York City this month from September 26-28th. There will also be a virtual attendance option offered for all those who are long distance. I’ll be giving away a free ticket via an Instagram giveaway so be sure to enter!

S/O to Heather Sampson for editing this blog.

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