6 Ways to Battle the Birthday Blues

Every year, I try to make a big deal out of celebrating my existence because I spend so much of it wishing I didn’t. Birthdays, like holidays, come with the social pressure of being happy– and having a birthday amid the holiday season is a special brand of hell. It is the busiest time of year for everybody, the changing weather helps facilitate sickness, and people just don’t have funds left over after playing Santa Claus.

There is a chapter in my ongoing memoir where I share a handful of my more disappointing birthday stories, of which there are many. Last year was a particularly tumultuous time for me as my birthday trip was derailed continuously. This year brought its fair share of disappointment. The birthday blues may just be an inevitable part of life for me, but I have found a few proven methods to combat them.                                          

Be Selective with Who You Celebrate on Your Birthday

I do not typically spend my birthday with people who are not blood related to me, or romantically partnered with me. I can count on one hand the number of times I hung out with a friend or friends on my actual birthday. Typically, I prefer to celebrate the weekend before, as the weekend after brings us a little too close to Christmas for reliable attendance. People have a tendency to disappoint; even when they mean well, circumstances can still happen that are out of their control and they’ll have to cancel at the last minute. Despite logically knowing this, it can still feel like a personal rejection, so I try to safeguard my birthday from said rejection and regulate it to the surrounding days. Which leads me to my next point. 

Captured by Kalia Blake

Have Backup Plans at the Ready

One thing I know about myself is that when things don’t go my way, I want to abandon those things entirely. When my ex and I split last year, I just knew I was going to be miserable going on the 30th birthday trip to Paris I'd planned for us. I’d spent such a long time imagining what it would have looked like that I just knew the reality would suck in comparison. I refunded my tickets and used the credits to book a flight to Belize instead. It was an entirely different trip and while it was miserable in its own right, I knew it was a better choice than continuing with the Paris trip as planned. Later this year, I got the chance to travel to Paris with my sisters and cousin after my big sister’s wedding and it reaffirmed my choice to have delayed going when I did. This year, when I didn’t get tickets to see Gypsy on Broadway, I went to the Broadway Museum with my sisters instead. We had a great time dancing and singing our way through the museum and plans have already been made for me to see Gypsy after Christmas. 

Focus on the Love You Receive, Not What You Don’t Receive

Easier said than done, but it can be incredibly hurtful when your birthday invitations go ignored, or you get a bunch of last minute cancellations. Resisting the urge to spiral is challenging, but it can be done. Only once before in my life did I experience none of my invitees showing up to my party, and even then, I had neighbors and family members come over at the last minute to show me I was still loved. While this past weekend of birthday celebrations didn’t go at all the way I planned, I was still extremely humbled that my love came from Baltimore to see me, and my bestie came from DC to celebrate with me the weekend before. My two youngest sisters also flew up from Georgia to spend my day with me. I have close to a hundred texts and DMs that I still haven’t responded to and several Venmo transactions that I’ve yet to thank the senders. The outpouring of love I have received this year in particular has been overwhelming in the best way. There is room enough in my heart to hold both of these feelings but I’m choosing to dwell on the good ones.  

Captured by Kalia Blake

Reduce the Pressure by Elongating the Celebration

Having a great birthday can feel like a lot of pressure at times. You long to feel intrinsically special all day and you want everything to go perfectly. (At least I do.) By celebrating my birthday all week or all month long I can prolong the festivities and even if my birthday doesn’t end up feeling like the best day ever, the culmination of the birthday spree still feels appropriately grandiose. (To be responsible, I save all year toward balling out during my birthday month. If money management is hard for you, I suggest reading up on my tips for managing money and mental health.)

Celebrate Your Half Birthday As Well

It may feel a bit silly asking other people to celebrate your half birthday with you because it isn’t commonly done, but if your birthday falls around a difficult time of year for everybody, consider planning something when it’s more convenient! Even if you don’t involve other people, taking the chance to celebrate yourself halfway through the year is a great tradition to create. This past year, I did a day trip to Philadelphia to get ice cream with my favorite ex-teacher bestie, and play in water fountains with my little cousins. The day was still marked as special even without a cake or balloons/ the typical birthday fanfare. 

Spend time Reflecting for your Birthday

Treating yourself is paramount to a birthday celebration, but it doesn’t have to be the only way you celebrate. Spending time in reflection can help you to foster a sense of pride in how far you’ve come and taking the time to dream about all you want to achieve and become in your next season of life can generate excitement! Every year I write a letter to my future self and read it around my birthday. This year’s letter was a bit different. I didn’t write much to this version of myself because I didn’t hold out much hope in the 15% chance I gave myself to make it past my half birthday. As I reflect on the change I’ve seen in myself the last 12 months, it feels nothing short of miraculous and that is something worth rejoicing! 

Captured by Kalia Blake

All that to say, despite the cancelled plans, the changes of plans, the accidentally ordering the most expensive and lackluster meal I’ve ever eaten, and the bad trip I experienced this last week, I’ve been able to feel my way through the birthday blues and can say wholeheartedly that I had* a great birthday.

*or rather, am having, because I am still celebrating!!

S/O to Kalia Blake for editing.

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