Bouncing Back from Disappointment
One of my favorite artists is Vincent Van Gogh. I have multiple prints of his artwork on my gallery wall in my bedroom. And one of the great things about living in New York is being able to go to the Met and the MOMA whenever I want to and see some originals.
When I saw that there was a Van Gogh exhibit coming to Atlanta, my second home, I quickly grabbed tickets to go with my mom and my sisters. It could not have come at a better time because mid-June was a rough time for me in the face of rejection and disappointment. I had applied to a couple grants and a writing mentorship program and was told to try again next time. Three major disappointments in the span of a week and I was ready to throw in the towel. I did throw in the towel, not in the trash can, but in the heap of dirty clothes on the floor that sat for a good month before I could be bothered to wash clothes.
It should come as no surprise to hear that I get discouraged very easily. Like, very easily. That is why I have avoided a great many opportunities in life as a way to navigate disappointment and potential rejection. I never wanted to pursue anything in the creative or entrepreneurial field because of this exact reason. But that’s not quite true because once upon a time, as a small child, I would come up with several business ideas but I would always get a little bored when it was time to learn the finer points of managing a business. Eventually, that streak of entrepreneurial spirit dried up and died, only to be reborn much later and fanned into a flame when I moved to New York City, the ultimate city of dreamers.
If you get a chance to visit the Van Gogh exhibit when it comes to your city, I highly suggest buying tickets because it was a great experience and really inspired me. Van Gogh was troubled with mental illness throughout his life and still created a lasting legacy of beauty through his creativity. You don’t have to be a genius to see the parallels or deduce why he might be a huge inspiration to me.
Throughout the exhibit there were several quotations of famous things that he wrote in letters to his brother throughout his life. One of those quotes that was projected onto the wall of the exhibit was:
“What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?”
It struck me as particularly inspiring because in the midst of grappling with schizophrenia, Van Gogh found the resilience and the courage to live out his dream of being a painter.
I have been contemplating this quote as I stared in the face of the major disappointments that greeted me last month and attempted unsuccessfully to move past them.
Minor inconveniences, discouragement, rejection, and disappointment come to all people but some have an easier time moving past it than others. Any amount of negativity provides a stumbling block to the rather tentative pace we make as we trudge through life with invisible weights on our shoulders.
I had dinner with my aunt the other day who complimented me by saying I was brave. I didn’t know how to take it, because I have never particularly considered myself to be brave. I am plagued by a great many fears, and yet others have seen me face a lot of unpleasantness and find victory. For instance, I hate heights and yet went zip lining for my sister’s birthday this past weekend. I may have cried twice, but I didn’t let that stop me from experiencing that moment. The thing about the zip line is that I knew the terrifying part would end eventually and I’d be okay again. There are no such guarantees in life.
I have a legacy of a quitter. That’s just what it is right now. When my memoir comes out, you can read about all my business ventures I came up with as a kid just to abandon when I realized how much work I would have to put into it. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Well as someone who consistently desires to give up when the going gets tough, I have remained in this space of disappointment for a prolonged period of my life.
Those that remain consistent are at a much greater chance of experiencing success in the end. If life is a race, then it does eventually end. If I can keep that ending in mind I might be able to make myself get back up and try again. If I long to be successful I cannot give into the urges to quit before I see the fruits of my labor realized.
This past week I fell down while rollerblading and busted my chin open. I needed to get five stitches. The desire to rollerblade again had struck me the very next day and I had to remind myself that I wasn’t allowed to skate anymore unless I got protective gear, including an unattractive chin strap.
Falling down is a part of life, and wounds heal pretty quickly. My chin’s gaping hole is already a raised pink welt and that’s it. The blows to my self esteem seem less easily healed, but the potential to move on is there if I can summon the desire to go back out and face the possibility of falling down again.
I’m learning how to allow myself to feel disappointment, allow rejection to wash over me. It’s unrealistic to try to shut myself off from experiencing negativity. My friend Rowana from Spoken Black Girl gave me permission to bask in the suckiness because it does suck. I did. I took a break. I deleted instagram off my phone and basked.
I had so many people encourage me in my disappointment and that helped to lift my spirits. I had to remind myself of the following things to stay grounded:
I thought of all the people that came through for me to share my post and vote for me when I was needing votes for this grant. That lifted my spirits.
What is for me will always find me.
There are a multitude of resources in the world; this was not the only opportunity available to me.
Knowing that as long as I continue (or try to) remain consistent, I will continue to get further towards my goals.
Another favorite Van Gogh quote I saw at the museum was “If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.”
So by all means, I must write so as to silence the voice inside saying I will not be a successful writer.
I know what life will be if I do not have the courage to attempt anything: and it will look as unsatisfying as my present. So, I have to keep attempting things in hopes that I can make my life reflect my wildest dreams. Thank you Van Gogh for the lesson in perseverance.
And thank you to everyone for staying supportive in the midst of my funk.
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