BPD Rage
Between my diagnoses, it has been much easier to talk about Bipolar Disorder than it has been to talk about Borderline Personality Disorder. My blog reflects that as well. I think I have always been more disturbed about having a personality disorder diagnosis because of the stigma attached. Nevertheless, the only way to get rid of stigma is to discuss and educate about the disorder. For instance, while many acknowledge and have heard that May is Mental Health Awareness Month (and Asian American Pacific Islander Month), the fact that it is ALSO Borderline Personality Awareness Month gets swept under the rug. If you have absolutely no clue what Borderline Personality Disorder is, or just need a recap, then you can read a little bit more about my experience at My Borderline Personality and Me
Today’s topic of conversation is going to be what the National Institute of Mental Health refers to as “inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger.” We in the BPD community often refer to it as BPD rage. If you’ve read a couple of my posts in the past, I have alluded to my struggles with this inappropriate anger. For example, the Great Chili Incident where I sought revenge on my little sister for eating the last of the chili by stealing her phone and wanting to destroy it can be read about here: Cognitive Distortions
When I talk about BPD rage, oftentimes a lot of people share with me that they also have anger issues. In no way am I saying that mentally ill people have a monopoly on anger, but it is worth nothing that anger and rage are two very different things.
The key difference is that rage begets violence. Physical violence, verbal violence and emotional violence. When neurotypical people are angry they can more easily maintain their anger and prevent it from becoming rage. Those emotional skills are very difficult for some with BPD to master, but not impossible. It took a few years but I have since learned some semblance of control.
Another key difference is the catalysts of these rages. A lot of people get rightfully angry about a variety of frustrating situations. With BPD, our fuse can be very short and our reasoning doesn’t always make sense to the outside observer. Things like my sister eating chili caused me to lash out and seek to destroy her property. In my first relationship I would be verbally abusive to my ex in the throes of rage. One time we got into a fight because he cut his hair. (I just feel like I have to explain that in my twisted logic I conflated his getting a haircut with extreme rejection and exploded.) It is exhausting having such a short fuse and I would expend a lot of energy trying not to get upset post-diagnosis, especially at everyday occurrences. The problem is that it is impossible to avoid conflict forever, especially when you spend a lot of time interacting with people.
Post diagnosis I was very aware of my emotions in a way that I hadn’t been before and that helped me to try and limit my outbursts. For example, one time in late 2018, I was living in a four bedroom apartment with 15 other women (true story, buy my memoir) and someone had eaten my cookie dough that I had searched for in New York for months. I was LIVID! Earlier on in this apartment adventure I’d had one roommate who got mad about something and blew up, waking the whole house with her screams. That incident led to her being branded as crazy and being kicked out of the apartment. It would seem that I was destined to follow in her footsteps. I started pacing back and forth. One of my allies in the apartment must have seen it on my face and she encouraged me to remain calm. I couldn’t, so I decided to cool off outside. I walked from 161st Street to 135th Street on a cold October night in a light jacket, a tank top and some shorts. My rage kept me warm. I bought a pizza and cinnamon rolls from Dominos and ate it as I willed myself to calm down. I kept reminding myself that becoming homeless was not worth the satisfaction of blowing up and punishing thieving bitches with the wrath of my scorn. In my state of rage it was difficult to persuade myself of this fact, but I succeeded. I think that giving myself the space to process my rage after I removed myself from the catalyst helped.
Image found on Google. Sometimes it happens.
I prefer to walk away when I’m faced with rage but when I’m in an environment where I am not free to express it, I have made worse choices. I was at work at Starbucks when my supervisor pissed me off by being very disrespectful and grabbing something out of my hands. I screamed at him on the floor in front of my customers to get out my face before quietly steaming for the rest of my shift. After I clocked out I told him that I’d punch him in the face if he ever tried me like that again. I’m not always successful with controlling my temper, you see. I definitely considered that encounter a success because I didn’t lay a hand on him but my therapist told me threatening a coworker is typically frowned upon behavior. Alas.
I’ve broken things, yelled and attempted to put holes in walls in moments of rage. (It was with great shock and disappointment that I found out how very weak I am when I barely made a dent after using all my force.) I have been instructed to control my breathing when I struggle with my hothead, but that has literally never worked for me so I won’t try to sell you on meditation. Truth is I still struggle from time to time with my temper. The only thing I have successfully been able to do, thanks to the pandemic especially, is avoid people who might make me angry. Too bad I couldn’t avoid my siblings as easily and the months of being stuck in the house with them wasn’t the best for our relationships, but we made it!
The hardest part of experiencing a fit of rage is the shame that I experience afterwards. The greater and more destructive the fit, the greater the shame. Feeling like I lack basic control of my brain had been my undoing for years. Now that I have learned to be kinder to myself, I do my best to dislodge that shame but it persists in the sense that it is still the most difficult aspect of mental illness for me to talk about. I have done some truly regretful things in my anger and said some horrific things as well. Forgiving myself even long after the deed is done is something I still struggle with to this day. If you also struggle with rage and the desire to be better, know that you are not alone in that. Fighting extremely intense emotions is such a challenge, and one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in life. Don’t further villainize yourself for the things you’ve done in those moments that rage consumed you. I hope you have people around you who are understanding of your plight and give you the grace to be better next time.
References:
S/O to Blake Chung for editing.
If you find this post valuable and believe in the mission of Mental Health Tings and would like to partner with us financially, you can make a one time donation by buying me a coffee!
You can also make a recurring monthly donation by signing up for our Here for the Blog $10 a month Patreon Tier.
All donations go toward the subscription cost of maintaining the website as well as payment for the various guest bloggers.
Thank you!