Distress Tolerance in the Age of Social Distancing
When I was finally accurately diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), I instantly felt it was an accurate diagnosis that helped to explain some things about my behaviors. (In comparison, when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I thought the doctor just pulled that out of his ass, but I have come around to acceptance of that as well; as you may have read in my earlier blog post Accepting My Diagnoses as My Disability.) My therapist urged me to buy the big green book of DBT and work through it. (It’s kind of a joke that everybody who is diagnosed with BPD has this exact book.) In my opinion, the most immediate skill of DBT one should learn, and the first chapter of this book, is the subject of distress tolerance.
Captured by Kalia Blake
You can think of distress tolerance as self care, what you need to do to avoid going into an emotional tailspin, or a tool to channel intense feelings of rage, anxiety, or depression into something that is not destructive. Basically, distress tolerance is just meant to help you and it does not (always) prevent you or stop you from feeling distressed. The most immediate form of distress tolerance starts with distracting your mind from the distress which you can do by engaging in a myriad of activities. Here are pictures of the list of activities suggested in the book, for reference.
Remember, some of these we cannot do right now, but we can archive them for later occasions.
Distress Tolerance is a very broad subject matter, but I will start with the basics in this post, and we can hopefully continue to build upon these skills in the coming weeks, if need be. In case somebody is reading this blog post, years into the future; in March 2020 we are currently experiencing the global pandemic of Covid-19 aka the Coronavirus and as Cardi B put it, in a video that went viral recently, (pardon my/her french) “Shit is real! Shit is getting real!” Not only is this virus risking the health and safety of everyone in densely populated areas, but it is also having some severe economic impacts as we are nearing a country-wide mandated shut-in. The unpleasant emotions are very difficult for all of us to navigate, so here are some of my tried and true, most favorite methods of tolerating distress, based on the emotions I’m feeling.
For anxiety:
Coloring in adult stress management coloring books is a very calming activity that helps to relieve stress by focusing all your attention on coloring. The more detailed a design you have to color, the better. I spent several months of 2017 working my way through the Moana coloring book that my friend Ashely gave me for Christmas 2016.
A page from my Moana coloring book.
Captured by Kalia Blake
Cleaning is also a great distress tolerance method for anxiety! There was a time period when the only thing I could control in my life was how clean my bedroom was and it was immaculate. I am naturally a messier person so a pristine bedroom is indicative of extreme anxiety in me. Taking time to clean your environment that you could potentially be spending the next few weeks in will go a long way in helping us to be organized and feel our best.
Because so many of us have unprecedented amounts of free time now, this is a great time to devote to all manors of self-care including, but not limited to: enjoying bubble baths, face masks, at home mani/pedis, etc. Let’s hope we all emerge back onto the social scene with glowy skin!
For rage and anger:
One of my go to methods for rage management is walking. I usually feel like I’m on a warpath while I’m walking. It’s as if my rage is propelling me. Walking has been helpful because it gives me something to channel the rage into. (If I tried coloring while angry I might break all the crayons when I pick them up.) A couple years ago I was living in a four bedroom apartment with fifteen other roommates. I had bought Halloween sugar cookie dough with pumpkins on it after searching for it for at least six weeks. At some point, someone took six cookies worth of my dough. I discovered this after midnight one night and was tempted to wake everybody up and conduct an interrogation at a rather high decibel. Instead, I put an oversized windbreaker over my tank top/pj pants and walked from 161st and Riverside to 135th and Adam Clayton Powell in thirty-five degree weather. I wasn’t even cold at all because my anger raised my body temperature enough to keep me warm. In that instance, distress tolerance helped prevent me from being branded as the “crazy one” of the house. If you are quarantining with family, and you feel comfortable enough going outside, I highly suggest utilizing this method, or another method of exercise to help blow off steam from potential arguments that may arise.
I used to feel very proud about my ability to quickly leave a situation before blowing up at somebody, but my therapist told me that this particular method can kind of count as problem avoidance and I need to get better at managing my rage. (I didn’t take kindly to that; I still think it’s a great method, even if only 9/10 recommend.)
Captured by Kalia Blake
To distract from depression:
Watching television is most useful to me when I’m trying to tolerate depression. I never used Netflix before 2017 unless I was watching it with somebody. However, a couple months of being unable to smile had me searching for comedic television shows that were several seasons long. The first one I experienced was Parks And Recreation. Then Brooklyn 99, 30 Rock, Superstore, and Single Parents. I will save The Office for a future Big Sad™ that is so catastrophic I need 10 seasons to aid in my remedy. One of the first things I realized when I started to feel better in the fall was that my desire to watch tv returned to its normal state (of having no desire to watch tv.) I only had a few episodes of each show queued up and smiled at the growth.
Finally, best all around:
The different methods that I use most often (surprise, surprise) are prayer, journaling, and listening to worship music. I would say those are my best on the go methods. (Prayer is number one because you don’t even have to use your phone, use your memory, close your eyes or open your mouth to ask God to give you self control before you kill one of His children.) It’s also the method that works best when your distress level is too great to move.
I also greatly enjoy scrapbooking, as it is my favorite hobby of all time, and shall be using this time to complete summer 2017 scrapbook, while envisioning the scrapbook I will get to make for this summer, because God willing, life can return to normal before too long (which experts are saying will be sooner, rather than later if we collectively respect this social-distancing suggestion/ soon-to-be mandate, and help to flatten the curve.)
A scrapbooked memory of 2017, ironically this was from a night I was tolerating distress. Waffles are my favorite distress tolerance food to make.
In closing, because distress can happen anywhere at any time and at every different level of emotion, it’s best to have a diverse array of tools you can use for various situations. For example, when you get mad at work, you can not take a bubble bath right then and there. I mean you could, but someone would most likely call HR on you and that’d be a whole mess.
My therapist has suggested breathing exercises to me several times but that has never worked out very well for me. I don’t have patience to breathe any kind of fancy way when I’m upset, and exhaling through my mouth can become screaming very quickly. As Kristin Chenoweth sang at the end of her song New Philosophy, from the Charlie Brown musical, “Clearly, some philosophies aren’t for all people.” So find what works best for you during this time. Create a diverse list of things for you to do now, and for future moments of discomfort. I hope everybody is staying mentally well, and physically healthy during this time. Love you all! Share in the comments what activities you are relying on to stay sane during this time!
S/O to Kalia Blake and Korin Blake-Chung for editing
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