March 2019: When It Poured

BY: KIANA BLAKE-CHUNG

I remember the Christmas lights stayed up in New York City long past the twelfth day of Christmas last year. At the time, I was in a really rough place going through a fresh break up that brought up similar hurts from the time before. January I kept waiting, feeling a tiny bit comforted as the lights made it through the month, the continuous beauty helping to bring light to the dark place I was in. Valentine’s Day came and went. The lights were still there. Truly I was surprised that NYC was still lit up with Christmas lights every night in the parts of the city I frequented. Maybe we all needed that extra sparkle to get us through the bleak post Christmas winter. March is when the lights were finally taken down and just like that the beauty was gone and all that remained was the darkness.

Captured by Sammuelle Daya

Learning someone you love has lied to you is always a gutting feeling. In the wee hours in the beginning of March, I was dumbfounded when I learned the truth of why my ex broke up with me. It didn’t matter that I knew he wasn’t the right guy for me- I hated the thought that he would want someone who wasn’t me. Being rejected often leads me on a downwards spiral that finds me repeating every awful thing that has ever been said to me or about me. This was no different. I was drowning in thoughts of ‘nobody ever loves me for my personality,’ ‘nobody is ever serious about me’ etc. It was debilitating.

A few days later my mom arrived from Georgia. We were going to see Elton John at his final tour before he retired. That morning we found out my great uncle had passed. It was definitely his time but still I’d hoped he’d have more time. We sat through the concert a little shell shocked, singing along without much gusto. A new grief had been introduced to the month.

Image captured by Kalia Blake

Because I worked with my ex, (never date your coworkers) I decided to quit and find a new job. From the moment I submitted my two weeks notice I cried every shift I worked. I knew once I was done working alongside him any semblance of remaining friends would be gone because he did not want me in his life past what was convenient for him. I cried because my job was a place that once made me so happy. It helped me climb out of a dark place when I started in summer 2017, but had now put me back into that place and I had to escape. I cried because people who I thought were my friends turned out to be untrustworthy. I cried because it’s hard to make friends in a new city and my community was almost exclusively comprised of friendly coworkers that I had mistaken as true friends. (Disclaimer: a few of them are!) It was a hard pill to swallow. 

The week after I left, I found a new job and started training immediately, excited to make more money as a server! However, the manager who hired me apparently didn’t discuss my availability with the scheduling manager and I was let go because I didn’t fit their needs after I’d trained for a week. Suddenly, I had financial troubles to navigate as well, because my part-time job at Starbucks was not going to keep a roof over my head for long.

March found me crying on the last car of the Q train, every time I’d travel from Brooklyn to Manhattan and back. Some nights I’d look up to see the word ‘pray’ etched into the metal of the wall, written in sharpie on the window or scratched through the paint on a chair. It was a good reminder and I’d try to pray but I didn’t know what to say to God when everything was falling apart. Regardless of my inability to find the words, the message succeeded in reminding me that even in my state of desolation, God is near and He is watching. It’s that kind of comforting feeling that doesn’t actually make you feel better about anything. (I don’t really know how else to describe it.) 

Losing my job, a relationship, a family member all in the span of a month?! I remember thinking to myself: “Literally every aspect of life except my physical health is in shambles right now.” AND THEN!

The day my ex-fiancé got married I woke up with a fever of 103 degrees Fahrenheit. It was as if my body knew and decided to be enraged on my emotions’ behalf because those were blank as I scrolled through my timeline and put two and two together. I wasn’t sad, per se, but I was profoundly aware that everything he had promised me he’d be for me & then later had sworn he couldn’t be was so easy for him to fulfill for somebody who wasn’t me. I didn’t know what to make of that, but luckily a sudden case of the flu kept me preoccupied from distasteful thoughts. 

March was the worst month of 2019 for me, but I quickly worked my way out of the pit and an integral part of that process was joining a church again. (Why I left church and what prevented me from joining one sooner is a future post.) But for as long as the month of March was, it came in like a lion and went out like a lamb.

April, I could breathe again. My psyche completed it’s cycle and I had two months of regulated emotions that felt lovely. I found a new job that turned into my favorite summer job ever, and learned to become unbothered by my constant source of disappointment. I finally got health insurance and joined an outpatient program to treat my Bipolar disorder. I became a part of a church body that I love, and over time made so many more genuine friendships that are still budding yet flourishing a year later. When I reflect on it, there are so many ways in which my life would still be stuck if I hadn't gone through March 2019. I am so fortunate that everyone who wasn’t truly for me has been removed from my life. I am so fortunate that I didn’t get that job at a German restaurant and instead met all my current managers and coworkers. I am so very fortunate that experiencing such hell in a short period of time led me to finding a new church home and finally having a community in the metropolis that is New York City. When it rained, it definitely poured, but last year the March showers led to April flowers that led to an entire garden.

Thanks to Kalia Blake & Blake Chung for editing.

Captured by Korin Blake-Chung

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