How Vipassana Meditation Helped me to Manage Psychosis
By: An Anonymous Guest Blogger
In March 2020, I was suffering from the aftermath of a bitter quarrel with a loved one and lockdown had begun in India, making it really difficult for me to cope with my depression. I lost interest in day to day activities, and ate a lot of junk food trying to cope with my mood. I felt hopeless and helpless. I lost faith in myself. It was a miserable time which led up to a nervous breakdown. I was deeply affected by the rejection I faced from my loved one and felt his presence around me. I used to think he was near me while others kept telling me he was not real. I was obsessed with him and used to see him everywhere around me. I used to cry in public, feeling teary and empty. One day while crossing the road, I thought I saw my loved one and did not see the cars coming from the other side of the road. My sister held my hand and helped me cross the road and saved me from a potential accident. That was when I realised I was losing touch with reality. My sister told me I was hallucinating his presence and avoiding other external stimuli. It took time for me to accept that.
Photo by Christopher Ott on Unsplash
I consulted a psychiatrist during that time who suggested I take antidepressants and antipsychotics after I’d reported frequent hallucinations about the presence of a person, mostly visual hallucinations. My hallucinations would come often and chaotically. They disturbed my thought process and felt difficult to fathom. I also saw images of black colour sometimes, which could not be seen by others around. With time, I realised that was a hallucination too. Although I was very perturbed and agitated by it, slowly I accepted the fact that the things I was seeing were not real. I came to believe that it is okay to hallucinate.
With the medicines, I felt better but still the psychotic symptoms persisted to an extent. I sought the additional help of a counsellor who helped me a lot during this time. She patiently listened to my problems and set achievable goals for me that helped me cope with my mental health condition.
When the lockdown ended, it was time for college to reopen. I was excited to begin my studies but slowly realized the rigidity of college rules made me aversive towards college life in general. I felt lonely and helpless in college, with no freedom for myself. I often hallucinated, and lost touch with reality. The confined condition in college for hours, the loneliness of not being able to talk to friends due to my depressed mood, everything added up to make college a terrible experience for me. Regularly attending classes was becoming worse day by day. I was irregular to classes.Finally, I decided to leave college in April 2023 to take care of my mental health first.
The decision was difficult to make, as pausing my studies deeply affected my educational achievement. After releasing myself from my responsibilities, I was able to focus 100% on becoming mentally healthy. In addition to the medications, I credit the majority of my healing with my regular yoga practice and Vipassana meditation techniques.
Yoga is a spiritual practice of exercises that promotes confidence, and peace. Practising yoga made me self aware, enhanced my mood and kept me in touch with my reality and body. I started yoga after my diagnosis and learned a few asanas which are body postures in Yoga. I felt calm practising Savasana, also called the corpse pose, because the lying down position resembles a corpse.This posture of yoga allows for providing clarity to the mind and enhances the energy of the body. It gives relaxation.
Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash
Yoga is an aspect of healthy living, central to Indian philosophy. The word yoga means unity between the mind and the body. The psychological technique to restrict and control the mind is called chitta vidhi nirodha.Yoga controls all mental processes, psychological systems and the conscious and unconscious. The objective of Yoga is to achieve a poignant concentration that remains unbroken. Patanjali, author of ancient Indian yogi texts, describes the ways of achieving this in his Yoga Sutra. Yoga Sutra contains steps of Yoga which are :
Yama- abstentations which means to avoid dishonesty and lack of self regulation
Niyama- observations of the environment around a person
Asana- posture
Pranayama- Control and regulation of breath
Pratyahara- Withdrawal of sensations from their objects, that is trying to avoid the external orientation of it and focussing on the internal breath and sensation and an aim at restraining the mind from the physical side, through the bodily processes
Dharana- Fixing the mind on a particular object
Dhyana- Meditation, sustained attention on one thought
Samadhi- Where the sense of identity is lost and there is no distinction between the north and the known, aimed directly at controlling all the mental processes
Mastering these steps leads to an unbroken and sharp concentration which is desired in yoga.
Meditation can help release tension. It helps to relax and improve concentration. I practised a Buddhist meditation quite unique from other forms of meditation,
called Vipassana, which gave me greater concentration levels and strength. Vipassana meditation can be translated as insight, meditation, a clear alertness of exactly what is happening as it happens. When Vipassana is done a sense of tranquillity and serenity prevails. The method is derived from the Satipatthana Sutta which is a teaching of the Buddha. It is a great spiritual activity that allows for focusing on the body and its myriad sensations which helps in understanding and experiencing reality.
In Vipassana meditation, I used my concentration as a tool to gradually reach higher levels of awareness of what reality is. It gives a sense of liberation.
Vipassana is a gentle technique leading to the perception of flowing life experience. The practice of Vipassana has given me an understanding of the full mindfulness of the selflessness of the act of meditation itself and led me on a slow process of self discovery.
The Pali term for insight meditation is Vipassana Bhavana.
I used breathing as the main component of my Vipassana meditation.
I felt a tinge of peace whenever I did Vipassana. It was difficult to put all the attention on my body and forget my surroundings, but slowly I learned the art of focusing on my present and forgetting everything around me. This improved my knowledge of what my body is capable of and I slowly fell in love with this art of meditation.
Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash
Meditation, exercise and self acceptance helped me to cope with my depression and psychosis. Vipassana helped me learn that my body is important, my mind is important, and my sensations are acceptable. I realised hallucinations might occur, but I have to accept it. In June 2023, I admitted myself to an open university , with a more relaxed schedule, so that I get time for self care.
I still sense I am seeing images of black colour from time to time but I no longer feel frightened by it and I accept it. I am focusing on my studies now while writing and feel happier, and healthier than ever.
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