Navigating Dating While Mentally Ill
I recently revealed on my popular Instagram reel show: Search for Serotonin that I went on a date. People in my DMs congratulated me and said they were proud of me for taking this step. I thought it was funny all the fuss people made, but I had been very vocal about not trusting anyone ever again and remaining single to protect myself. And now here I am, allowing a man to give me butterflies.
“Do you want to get married and have kids one day,” one of my friends asked me, in the privacy of her home.
“Ehh, I’m good on my own.” I replied. Ever since my failed engagement I have been loathe to desire anything that requires me to rely on another person.
“You know, you don’t have to tell everyone your heart’s desires, but you should be able to admit it to yourself and to God,” she told me quietly.
She had me there. After my first heartbreak at 23, I wondered aloud how anyone could ever do this more than once. And when my second came at 25 I thought that’s it; I’ve tried and I don’t need to do this ever again. Despite a couple brief stints on dating apps, I told myself that I’m good off trying to find romance. And despite actively avoiding all situations that could potentially lead to finding someone for the past three years, someone found me.
When I first realized I was actually in danger of facing another future heartbreak I wrote the following notes app poem in a panicked frenzy in the middle of the night:
A narrative I have been telling myself for years is that I am too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship. Or even, when I am stable, I should avoid any kind of situation that would potentially disrupt that stability.
As someone who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I presumed that romance is a dish best kept unprepared, in its separate ingredients in the fridges and cabinets of other people’s houses and far away from me. I told myself that I don’t like who I am when I am in a relationship and that I can’t help myself from becoming extreme: splitting, allowing my cognitive distortions to run rampant, allowing my self worth to be determined by the way someone else values or doesn’t value me, etc.
I have done immense inner work to get myself to where I’m at today and the truth of the matter is that interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones, can trigger relapses into dysfunction.
My biggest problem is that I tend to emotionally cannonball into the pool of love and give 110% of myself to people who give me crumbs in return. This leads to putting people on pedestals, and handing them the reins to my emotional wellbeing.
I also really struggle with self-image and thinking that people actually like me/ that I am worthy of affection. And it has been hard for me to actually believe that a handsome man with a job is actually into me. All throughout the initial stages I kept telling myself that he probably doesn’t even like me and that worked just fine until he told me he did!
One of my words for the year was ‘brave’ and while I never publicly stated it, one of the ways in which I’ve been the bravest has been in allowing myself to grow closer to another person. Two failed relationships under my belt, and I had convinced myself that I would be better off by myself forever, despite the fact that two is a very small number.
Now that I have admit to myself that romance is something I desire in life, I still need to be careful about how I go about dating to make sure I am not compromising my emotional stability. There is a certain skillset to successfully navigating dating while mentally ill. I am trying to remain confident in the fact that I have grown in many ways and now possess said skillset.
The most important thing I have to do is be intentional about guarding my heart and handing it over slowly. And knowing that even when I do, no individual can have or deserves to have 100% of my love and devotion. Rather than drowning someone in all the love I have to offer, I have been learning how to reasonably water our relationship at a rate that sustains healthy growth.
Maintaining my routines is vital to my emotional wellbeing. I make sure to take my meds as prescribed, but also continue to journal regularly and spend time doing my devotionals because that’s important to me. Likewise, having standing dates with friends and making the time to remain consistent in my other relationships helps me not to become consumed by any one person.
I have been researching attachment styles, love languages, etc. so that I know more about myself and can communicate my needs to my partner in a healthy way. Some of the book I have read or am reading include: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller; The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman; Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern; How We Love by Milan & Yerkovich.
I have had a hard time in the past accepting that some relationships do not last forever or end in marriage. I’ve come to terms with this by continually telling myself that there will always be a risk that things don’t work out, and at least for this season on The Kiana Show™ the writers have granted me a handsome love interest and I’m willing to see this plot line through to its completion. Remembering that I am the Main Character helps me not to get too caught up in anyone else because there will always be new love interests for the Main Character should this one not work out.
There are narratives out there that people fall victim to that suggest you shouldn’t be in a relationship until you are healed and those narratives are harmful to people like me who will never be cured of what ails them. Healing isn’t a linear process and there is no end goal that can be reached that declares you well enough to be in a relationship. You’re worthy and deserving of love as you are, especially if you’re actively trying to better yourself and exorcize your demons. And you owe it to yourself to allow yourself to be happy. And right now, I’m happy.
S/O to Raquel Espasande for editing.
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