Object Constancy — and 8 Ways to Improve It
Kiana Blake-Chung
Once upon a time I thought that being in a long distance relationship would be my ideal scenario.
I figured it would be easier to avoid the negative effects of being in love with BPD. Namely, being consumed by your love for another person to the point where your every mood is based on your interaction with them.
In some ways I’m doing a better job this time around managing my emotions to avoid all-out obsession with another individual and I think the limited amount of time we get to spend together is key.
However, I failed to consider something that is harder for BPD individuals to maintain and that has been a cause of an ongoing internal tension for me throughout this relationship: object constancy.
Object constancy, according to PsychCentral is “the ability to retain a bond with another person — even if you find yourself upset, angry, or disappointed by their actions.” The site uses an example of a toddler, describing object constancy as the ability that lets a child know that when their parent drops them off they are not being abandoned.
Conversely, people with BPD, who are especially prone to feelings of abandonment, may feel like they are being abandoned when there is distance in a relationship. Personally, I saw with my ex that whenever he would leave me I would instantly feel like there was a hole inside me and would become frantic if he ever wanted to spend the day without me.
How I see this playing out in my current relationship is that whenever we are apart and we have a disagreement of any sort, my mind instantly tells me that our whole relationship is doomed to fail and we should simply stop doing this. It has taken a lot of work to fight the urge to flee at every bump in the road.
Another factor of object constancy is being able to hold on to two seemingly conflicting notions of a person. This person loves me and also this person disappointed me or let me down. When you have BPD a common cognitive distortion is black or white thinking. This person disappointed me, therefore there is no possible way this person loves me anymore. Although this particular thought pattern isn’t as difficult for me as it used to be, I am going to share some tips that helped me to develop better object constancy.
First and foremost, having people in your life who understand how your brain works is so important. My boyfriend took a webinar offered by @ Candace Alaska on Instagram early on in our dating timeline. He took the time to learn about my diagnosis to better understand me and that is vital. This is a prerequisite that sets a relationship up for success. On to the eight tips for better object constancy:
Reserve major arguments or disagreements for FaceTime or to be discussed in person. We have learned that when we communicate through text it is easy to misconstrue tone and that is never helpful. Recently we had a discussion about how it’s better to share over FaceTime any bit of information that may cause difficult emotions to arise. For example, if he were going to grab dinner with another woman letting me know over FaceTime would help me to mitigate any potential feelings of jealousy.
Set communication standards together. If you want to avoid feeling like you’re extremely needy, talk in advance about how often you should expect to contact each other throughout the day. Sharing communication styles early on keeps you from being disappointed later on if the styles don’t match up. If you’re going to be unavailable for an amount of time, share that with your partner before going ghost for the rest of the day so that they know to expect it.
Correct yourself. When I am having a hard time believing that my partner loves me because my mind is struggling with black or white thinking, I make sure to correct myself. Any time I start to engage hyperbolic thinking, that he “always” or “never” does something, I tell myself that that is not necessarily true and remind myself of times that contradict that way of thinking. (If you cannot come up with an example because you really have noticed a continuing behavior that distresses you, arrange to have a check-in with your partner at a time when you are less emotional and bring it up calmly then.)
Change the narrative. Likewise if I tell myself that my boyfriend doesn’t love me because he never buys me flowers or writes me cards, I change that narrative in my mind. He often buys me clothes when we go shopping. I’ll go through my closet and look at the clothes he has bought me and remind myself that these are also tokens of his love. Displaying evidence that supports the narrative that you are still loved is crucial.
Make a reminder album. Another way of displaying evidence is to make an album in your phone of cute pictures of you and your significant other together. Screenshot cute texts that they send you and add it to the album to read later when your love tank is a little empty. (But also remember that if your love tank is a little empty it is unsustainable for it to remain empty. You need to request that your SO refill it, make plans to spend time together, or do whatever is within your ability to change that sooner than later. Do not walk around on empty thinking about the crumbs of past loving displays.)
Come up with a signal between you and your loved one for when you are needing a little extra affection or if you are in need of grounding. (This can come in handy when you are out in public and feeling disconnected after socializing with so many other people.) Something like a quick secret little wink can serve as a reminder that you both are still on the same page and thinking of each other even if you are physically separated in the room.
Hold on to a proxy for that person’s presence. It can be something like a hoodie that when you wear it, it makes you feel loved or it can be a dirty old t-shirt that smells like your partner that you can hold at night and smell when you’re feeling sad and the distance is making you doubt their affection.
Communicate! Lastly, communicate with your loved one when you are feeling like you both are extremely out of touch and it is wearing down on you emotionally.
Practicing tip number four by wearing the shorts my partner bought me.
It can be frustrating for someone to have to constantly reassure their significant other that they are still in love with them. A good partner will do so often and especially when needed, but it is also crucial to continually work on changing your thought patterns to ones that assume you are loved and cherished constantly. It helps boost your self esteem as well. This process can be hard but I promise you that the relationships you hold dear (with everyone, not solely with a romantic partner) will improve when you learn this skill and fight against the thoughts that tell you you aren’t loved.
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