Suicide Prevention Is Better Than Awareness

By: Kiana Blake-Chung

As many know, the month of September is National Suicide Prevention Month. Social media has been filled with cute graphics and cut and paste paragraph long statuses that say things like: “you’re not alone,” “be kind-- we are all fighting battles,” and my personal favorite: those that end with “copy and paste to let someone know that you’d be there for them.” Many people share these sentiments, but what does it really mean to “be there for” someone who is fighting against themselves for their own life? To help ensure that you know what you’re getting into when you post such promises, I would like to share some information with you that I learned in the Mental Health First Aid course that I took last November! 

Here is my certificate. Aka proof that I know a little about what I’m talking about.

To begin, it is uncommon for people to outright share with someone that they have suicidal thoughts, or plans. I’ve often felt like I was walking through hellfire and wished people could know what I was thinking. (People who ask for help directly get accused of being “attention seeking.”

Signs of suicidal ideation to look for:

-Threatening to hurt or kill oneself

-Looking for ways to kill oneself (seeking access to pills or weapons etc.)

-Talking, writing or posting on social media thoughts of death, dying or suicide

-Hopelessness

-Rage, anger, or seeking revenge

-Acting recklessly or engaging in risky activities

-Feeling trapped (by their circumstances) 

-Feeling like they have no purpose or reason for living

-Increased alcohol or drug use

-Withdrawing from family or friends

-Anxiety, Agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time

-Dramatic changes in mood

-Giving away their belongings/preparing for their death

A graphic made my @alyseruriani on Instagram that helps to explain some things.

In a world where dark humor runs rampant, it is best to err on the side of caution, always. Because (!) you might save a life. Take into consideration how often one “jokes” or talks about killing oneself and what they’re dealing with in life (if indeed it is someone you know intimately). Even if you don’t know someone well, if it’s on your heart to check-in with someone, the best way to ask if they’re suicidal is to ask: *drum rolls* “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” When you are as direct as possible it leaves little wiggle room (unless someone is scarily good at lying). If you ask questions like: “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” you leave too much room for half-truths that may help someone skirt around addressing the issue at hand.

The spectrum of suicidal ideation

There is a spectrum to having suicidal thoughts, and it is necessary to know where someone falls on the spectrum so that you can determine the severity of their suicidal feelings. 

The spectrum begins with thoughts of morbidity, thought of suicide with/without a plan, suicidal intent with/without a plan and actual attempts. Of course, if someone has begun to think of a method and plan, that is to be treated with more urgency than if they don’t have one. To someone who is having suicidal thoughts, asking if they’re okay isn’t enough because ”okay” can simply mean: “I am not going to kill myself right this minute.” They may think they are technically okay, whether they have a plan or not. Your desire is to find out if there is an unspoken (for now) in parentheses at the end of that “I’m okay.”

Assess the severity of suicidal ideations

To do so you have to ask direct questions. “Have you decided how?” “Have you decided when?” “Have you taken any steps to secure the things you would need to carry out your plan?” [Mental Health First Aid book also says to ask if the person has used any alcohol or drugs, because it increases the potential of an individual acting on impulse-- I really hated being asked that question every time I expressed my feelings, but I feel obligated to include the pertinent information that the professionals suggest.] 

A second infographic by @alyseruriani on Instagram.

Assisting in a suicidal crisis

Say your friend admits to you that they’re suicidal: what do you do? For starters, don’t leave that person alone. If you can’t be with them physically, make sure there are other people they can be around. If your friend asks you to keep this a secret, respectfully decline and urge them to share with someone physically closer to them. When I went through this with someone recently, I told them that there’s no shame in asking for help because whoever it is they think will judge them or be bothered by them in the end just wants them alive. Stigma is what makes someone think they have to keep their suffering a secret.

The most immediate solution is to offer some distraction. There are books about distress tolerance that can help someone find what works for them. My go-to exercise when I was lying on my bed February 2019 on the phone with NYC wellness (before I hung up. I hate those hotline services. The people on the other end have always been, at best, disinterested/ impersonal and at worst, bitches.) was to daydream about a future in which I was happy. Imagining what my life would look like if I had everything I wanted and then telling myself that it was possible and to wait for it. 

If your loved one already has a psychiatrist or a therapist, help them to get in touch with their professionals. Most will say to call 9-1-1 (or 9-8-8, as of 2023) if you’re experiencing a mental health emergency. Please note that calling emergency services on Black and Brown people could potentially put them in greater danger. It’s still worth it to call their care team and set up an appointment for the earliest available time. Most practitioners will make the time to see a patient next day if their patient needs an emergency session.

If your loved one doesn’t yet have any medical team, help research services that could help. Cost is often a factor in accessibility, but most offices have sliding scales. If you’re financially able, maybe offer to alleviate the cost of a visit. 

Sometimes suicide prevention means meeting someone’s physical needs. Access to affordable  healthcare, and having basic needs that need to be met go a long way in someone’s decision to stay alive. Because if life is painful, that’s one thing, but if life seems impossible to live because you can’t even pay your rent, or get medicine you need to survive, or have food to eat— then what is the point of living? My tipping point personally came when I was told that my car needed a new transmission and I didn’t have the money to get it fixed. I literally cried in the mechanic’s shop before deciding that it didn’t matter, because I wouldn’t need a car where I was going! It didn’t matter that it was just a car— to me it meant figuring out one more thing and I was already mentally exhausted from trying to stay alive. 

A picture from the night I attempted to kill myself. See how happy I look? Proof that you have to ask people how they feel because you can’t always tell.

If you’re unwilling to do anything I’ve just written about, don’t offer to be there for somebody during a crisis. It is immensely difficult to make yourself vulnerable by asking for help and it is crushing to be offered help, only for that person to not follow through. Remember that even if you are as helpful as you know how, understand that it is not in your power to save anyone.  Fighting against my brain is the most difficult and tiring thing I’ve ever done. When you’re in that much pain it becomes a filter through which you see everything. It is blinders that restrict you from seeing any happiness and limit you to believing life will always be this way. 

What not to do when someone is in a suicidal crisis

Make sure you’re not guilt-tripping people by telling them they’ll go to hell. Additionally, don’t guilt people by questioning their love for you, or sharing how painful their death would be to you. While true that life lost by death of suicide is extremely painful, it does nothing but center the conversation around yourself. Besides, they’re likely to have already considered and wrestled with it. If someone feels like a burden, they may even think that in the long run, they’re doing you a favor. 

There’s a quote that goes around often that says: “suicidal people don’t want to die, they just want their pain to end.” I used to think that was the stupidest quote because of course I wanted to die! I had no way of knowing that I could still live and not be in pain. Or could be in pain, but not want to die. I had no way of knowing. And we never do. I’ve been suicidal since I was twelve and attempted at 22. It took four more years before I’d get a decent break from that mindset. If you’re currently struggling with a suicidal mindset, know that recovery is a process, but it is possible. Trying to get better doesn’t always feel great, in fact it may feel pointless for a long time. (I’m not going to lie to you!) But I promise you that no matter what, it is not a waste of your energy. We are all so glad you’re here. 

An unedited pic shot by Blake Chung. I promise storms don’t last forever and there will be many rainbows in your future if you can weather the storms. 💛

Thank you to Blake Chung and Raquel Espasande for editing.

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