Disconnected
Can I be vulnerable for a moment? (It’s been a moment since I’ve done that on here.) Despite my mental well-being, this year has been the most disconnected I have felt from God ever, and I feel lost. When my mind is constantly tormented, I cling to God with a desperation as if my life depends on it. Truthfully, even now I know that my life still depends on Him, and always will. But it’s easier for distance to creep in when I’m not in danger of falling apart every ten seconds.
I have needed God to help me through suicidal tendencies for a good fifteen years and now that I have finally been delivered from that mindset I find that all of my bonding with Christ has been done in suffering, and I have no clue of how to relate to God in my joy other than to just direct my thanks to Him. The psalmist taught me that God is near to the brokenhearted, but I am no longer brokenhearted and thus having difficulty relating to Him. Romans 8:17 says that we share in His sufferings in order that we might also share in His glory. Indeed, I feel like I am beginning to share in His glory and the difficulty of the journey that has led me to this place just makes me appreciate it that much more. Now that I am here, in a sort of promised land for me, a mental place I never thought I would actually get to see, I am like an Israelite looking up to the sky and asking God “now what? You’ve brought me here to do what?”
Image captured by Hope Adams
As someone who self-identifies as a worshipper, I find that an activity I used to relentlessly participate in has all but dissipated this year. My spotify wrapped was a slap in the face as I stared at the data that showed me I had basically given up all worship music this year (I stopped listening to all artists but Maverick City Music.) This at least I can partially understand and it pains me to say it: most worship music makes me sad. It’s common knowledge that music binds strongly to your emotions and can transport you back mentally to times and places that are tied to certain songs. Worship music transports me to nights spent crying my eyes out, days spent screaming lyrics that I struggled to believe in moments of extreme pain. Worship music transports me back to singing with my ex onstage at church and riding the subway late at night with tears tracking down my cheeks. Songs about God’s love are reminders that I would sing these songs to comfort a heart that felt as if it were loved by nobody else BUT God.
Add to this the phenomenon that is internet church, which was birthed by necessity this year but still remains such a poor substitute for a Sunday service, and I am just feeling a void. Virtual worship has not helped me to usher God’s presence into my house viz computer, and I haven’t been doing much of anything to usher Him in at any other time. I miss the Holy Spirit as a Comforter, and have been shying away from the Holy Spirit as a Teacher, leery of learning the ways in which I still have to grow. Growth is always uncomfortable and I have been enjoying the peace and comfort that is my own mind these days.
They say that the Bible is a mirror that reflects yourself back at you. I used to read the word daily, clinging to words that would help me to hold onto life itself. I haven’t read the Bible to grow spiritually for a few years now.
The thing is, I know that I am not alone in this. I attempted to have a zoom call with a group of women recently, and only one other person was available to join. One on one we confessed to each other that we have just not felt God in this season and were shocked to hear that we were both in the same boat. Shame that I haven’t been a “good” Christian has kept us both from opening up about this in community and so this is the first step for me, publicly admitting that I’ve felt so far from God during this extremely trying year. And that while I may have felt surrounded by love this year, I have been missing feeling the love of a Heavenly Father.
I have tried to do what I can, I asked a friend to text me a scripture a day, and I have taken to starting my mornings a half hour early to listen to Maverick City’s worship songs while I slowly wake. (They’re a newer worship collective and so I don’t have any sad memories tied to those songs.) In this new year I am determined to get back into journaling nightly, my stream of consciousness is always directed to God and not just the pages of a blank book. Beyond that I don’t know what else to do.
If you can relate I’d like to encourage you to reach out to someone who can hold you accountable if it’s your goal to work your way back into the fold. If you’ve been thriving spiritually this year, I’d like you to share what has worked for you, any scriptures you’ve read that have helped you out this year, songs you like, sermons you’ve listened to. Even though I have grappled with motivation to pursue Christ, I take comfort in the promise that He is always willing to meet me halfway. As James 4:8 promises, “as I draw near to God, He will draw near to me.” I know I can stand on this, and so my resolution going into 2021 is to gain back my closeness to Jesus, and learn how to relate to God even in my season of triumph.
Image captured by Hope Adams
S/O to Korin Blake-Chung for help with editing.
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