Getting Over Your FP When You Have BPD

By: Kiana Blake-Chung

An FP, or favorite person, in the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) community refers to a person who may (or may not) know how much control they have over the emotional state of someone diagnosed with BPD. People with BPD will often mirror the moods of their FP, or use their FP to regulate their own emotions. It can be very apparent from the beginning, or it can sneak up on both parties as the relationship begins to crumble. These relationships are often, but not always, romantic ones. Today, however, I’m going to be speaking about a romantic relationship, but know that all the tips are pretty transferable, even if you’re not going through a breakup.

When I first started dating my most recent ex, I took care to remain as detached as I could by telling myself that our relationship was a lovely experience for that specific moment in time, but that I need not get too attached, as it had no long-term potential. The longer it went on, the harder it was for me to maintain that level of detachment. By the time I realized it was best to detach, I’d already abandoned my initial plan and spent ample time envisioning all the things I’d told myself were off-limits. It was extremely tough to realize that my logic at the beginning of the relationship was correct: it had no long-term potential. We broke up amicably, which was my first time ever doing so with a partner. 

Breaking up is always tricky, but in some ways, being wronged really helps one to channel the hurt into rage/hatred. While it adds another painful layer, betrayal can help you to get over someone. But that wasn’t the case here. I was at a loss for what to do in a situation where there was still so much love present. Do we go no-contact? I didn’t see why we had to — despite the fact that every single person told me it was necessary in order to move on and eventually become friends.  If you can relate to any of the above, I can assure you that you’ll figure it out in time, but keep reading this post in case my words help you figure it out a bit faster. 

Meme by: @bpdbabexo on Instagram

There’s No Prize for Getting Over Heartbreak Quickly

Even if you were to entirely heal from the most broken of hearts the very next day, absolutely nobody will be waiting with a medal or a cookie or a parade for you. Our society has a very perverse way of dictating how long we are allowed to grieve. If you’re not ready to throw away everything your ex ever gave you and delete all the pictures after a week, that’s fine. Go at a pace that works for you.

Ripping a bandaid off quickly shortens the initial amount of pain, but people with hairy arms know that the ache still smarts long after the bandaid is gone. If you have an addictive personality and you previously spoke to someone every waking moment only to quit cold turkey, those withdrawals could send you into a nasty shock. Even with both of us intentionally trying to limit our communication, it took at least a couple of months to go a single day without any kind of text message. I thought my heart would fall out of my chest that first day. It didn’t! 

Comfort Yourself as You Go

If you’ve read my post on Object Constancy, you know that I suggest having some kind of proxy for your partner. Even though I gave back the majority of my ex’s clothing, I kept a single shirt that I only allowed myself to cuddle with in moments when things felt unbearable. I didn’t give myself a self-imposed deadline to be done with it. I allowed myself to use his shirt to bring me comfort until I no longer needed it. If every day feels like the worst pain of your life, maybe try to go without that comfort item occasionally to see how you fare. Similarly, we made each other video notes of encouragement and words of comfort to watch in lieu of FaceTiming. It didn’t always work to prevent reaching out, but it helped make it as infrequent as possible.

Disentangle Your Lives in Stages

If you’ve spent a significant amount of time enmeshing your lives, don’t expect to cut someone out the very next day. Just logistically, that can be a lot. If you don’t feel like deleting all your pictures immediately, add them to the hidden folder for the time being. Or, download them to Google Drive and take them off of your device so you don’t have to look at them. If you feel like you’re on the verge of crashing out at the thought of having to make your own Netflix account, ride that shared password until the wheels fall off! 

Create a List of Reminders

When it comes down to it, you’re not in each other’s lives anymore (at least not in the same capacity) for a reason. Keep that cons list handy for the times when your mind starts to romanticize the past.

Establish Physical Boundaries

And do your best to stick with them. Also, know that sometimes things happen and we can just chalk that up to girlhood! All part of the experience. You’ll go no contact when you’re ready for it. I believe in you!

Forgive yourself and move on.

Be (Internally) Petty

I understand the desire to be petty, but if you broke up amicably, keep it that way. When you do communicate, keep it cordial. Sometimes that might be difficult, so try any of the following suggestions for being internally petty:

• Keep an extremely unflattering picture of them on your phone so you can look at it occasionally and tell yourself they’re not even that cute. 

• Start a list in your notes app of zingers that you thought of two years too late. You can “...and another thing!” yourself to your heart's content without actually rehashing old problems.

• Be very critical and look at memories from an objective perspective until you recognize the weird behavior, and then just tell yourself they’re a weirdo and fabricate disgust as needed.

At the end of the day, Destiny’s Child did NAWT steer us wrong when they sang: “You know I’m not gon’ diss you on the internet cause my mama taught me better than that!” LISTEN TO MOTHER (Beyoncé)! 

Plan Around Milestones

If you’re the sentimental type who will get weepy on the anniversary of the first time your ex ever complemented you, make plans to take your mind off of milestone anniversaries. Treat yourself and have such a good time that you only think of it in passing.

Seeing Renaissance on my ex’s birthday was the world’s best distraction!

Find New Ways to Regulate Your Emotions

And I do truly mean brand-new ways to regulate emotions. I joined a cardio dance class to help let off steam when needed. The age-old methods of journaling etc. all still work, but the novelty of exploring a new way to regulate can help take your mind off things. 

At the end of the day, your FP was helpful to you at a point in time (provided your relationship wasn’t abusive) and you can be grateful to them for providing the emotional regulation they did, even if it wasn’t all that much. At the same time, you can still acknowledge that they were not meant to come along for your next phase of life. It can be fun to think of yourself as the main character of a show getting ready for a brand new season. You can even write out all the ways in which you want to make this season the best one yet!

Even if you’re not not ready to mingle, you can live your best cat lady life!

S/O to Maddie S. for editing.

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