Hypomania:
What It Is and What It Feels Like to Me
Kiana Blake-Chung
Happy Mental Health Awareness Month! I have decided to devote this month to writing about topics of conversation that normally don’t come up when people start discussing mental health. Topics that include hypomania, rage and hospitalization. I typically like to give advice from where I’ve been and share what has worked for me, however, this month I am primarily focusing on just bringing awareness. The reason for that being, I’m sharing things I still have no helpful tips, solutions or answers for. These things are just a part of living with mental illness and I’d like to bring awareness to the struggles that me and so many others face. Today’s topic is bringing awareness to the other half of bipolar disorder that isn’t often talked about: hypomania or mania.
For those that don’t know, there are two different types of Bipolar Disorder: Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 is characterized by having manic episodes and depressive episodes. Bipolar 2 is characterized by having hypomanic episodes and depressive episodes. I think by now most people have some understanding and compassion for depression but don’t understand much about mania.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 back in 2016. Several times I have questioned the validity of this diagnosis and each time my professionals have reminded me that I’ve experienced both hypomania and depressive symptoms. I used to argue with them but after an incident in September 2019 I have come to accept that I do, in fact experience hypomania.
According to Mayo Clinic’s website, both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:
•Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired
•Increased activity, energy or agitation
•Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)
•Decreased need for sleep
•Unusual talkativeness
•Racing thoughts
•Distractibility
•Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments.
An illustrated list of symptoms from @what.is.mental.illness on instagram.
Hypomania is often considered the “less severe” version of mania, even though both can cause a disturbance in someone’s life. Because it is considered less severe it can be hard to notice when it happens. Episodes can last anywhere from several hours to months. There has only ever been one time where I was definitely certain I was hypomanic and it happened back in September 2019.
I’d been planning on going home for the weekend. I packed some things— random things that I had accumulated in the two years I’d been in New York City, to take home because I was in the process of moving back home. Mentally, I was doing poorly in 2019 and I was no longer on medication because my psychiatrist and I were not seeing eye to eye.
My sleep schedule became distorted, which for me is always the first sign that something is wrong. At the time, I had two jobs so I did not have the most reliable sleep schedule to begin with. I had been up for about three days (which was unusual, but I was so busy I hardly noticed) when I finally went to sleep, for a few hours. When I woke up there was a distinct shift in my thinking.
It started as soon as my alarm went off for work. I purposely ignored it and decided that I did not need to go to work that day. Furthermore, I no longer even needed that job because suddenly I did not find it valuable or necessary. At the time, I was very unreliable with showing up to work on time. Usually my supervisors called me to wake me up. I was expecting it and I was prepared to quit over the phone, on a whim. It was definitely a blessing from God that nobody called me that morning. I recognized almost instantly that what I was thinking was abnormal and did my best to stay on guard for impulsive behavior.
Me at Starbucks, a job I loved, but wanted to quit in a hypomanic episode.
Another impulsive thought was my desire to suddenly email my ex. (I say email because I knew for sure that my phone number was blocked.) I knew that was not a good idea and so I was able to refrain. Besides, I had places to be. I grabbed my bag and ordered a ride to the airport. While in the car I realized that my mom had never called me back to list me for the flight’s standby list. This elated me and apparently meant I could go wherever I wanted instead! Nevermind the fact that my suitcase was filled with random junk instead of clothes; I was resolved to head to China. I was so excited because I had not been to BeiJing in a couple years. Unfortunately, by the time I got to the airport I remembered that I did not have a visa to China, and had left my passport at home. In a moment of rational thinking I went to the counter and told them I wanted a ticket to Atlanta. (The look of surprise on the agent’s face when I told her I didn’t have a reservation at all was kinda funny.)
Once in the airport I was further bombarded by rapid thoughts that were all Bad Ideas™. The most notable ones were “wouldn’t it be cool to just run through TSA without stopping,” and “I wonder if that cop would shoot me if I tried to fight him”. Mind you, the entire time my thoughts were racing, my heart was racing too. It felt like my insides were shaking as I eventually boarded the plane sans fiasco and sat down in my seat.
Once I was seated I decided to write out everything I was thinking, every thought that I had thought since I woke up. I wrote out how grateful I was that I recognized early on that my thought pattern was abnormal and that I hadn’t acted on any of those disastrous impulses.
At the core of all these thoughts I realized was the desire to set fire to my life because I did not care for it at all. I didn’t want to dwell on suicidal feelings while I was still in a precarious state of mind because I would have been tempted more than the normal amount.
A part of the journal entry I wrote on the airplane.
When I landed my sister came to get me and took me to lunch. I think it was also the first time in a minute that I had eaten a good meal. I think too that just the presence of another human being grounded me to reality. Thankfully I was able to calm down about 10 hours after I’d woken up embracing chaos.
More often than not when I experience hypomania my sleeping pattern decreasing is the only way I can tell something is different/ changing. I actually enjoy the increased energy, especially when I’m coming out of a depressive episode. It feels nice to finally get stuff done, even though it can be a touch overwhelming the projects I randomly take on late at night. Personally, hypomania, when it’s not accompanied by disastrous impulses, feels like a breath of fresh air and almost a reward for making it through a depressive episode. It’s a brief reprieve where I can feel excited and euphoric and like anything is possible. Many people who experience mania and hypomania in this way get addicted to the feeling, and still others don’t even recognize the change in their behavior.
The day after that incident. I was still pretty chaotic that evening, tbh.
Obviously, I can only speak from my experience and not that of anyone else’s. There are many different ways that mania and hypomania manifest in people.
If you experience hypomania or mania, how does it manifest for you and how do you feel about it? I find that it goes away, like a tide that ebbs and flows— something I have no control over. Sometimes I almost wish that it would stay a little longer. If your experience hasn’t been positive, what do you do to ground yourself when you’re feeling out of control?
I hope that if you have never heard of hypomania or had a very limited knowledge of it, that this post gave you a little insight into what someone feels in the midst of an episode. I hope that if you struggle with hypomania or mania that you would feel less alone in that because there are so many of us that go through this. And I hope that if you have done things that were detrimental to your life in the midst of an episode, that you would learn to forgive yourself for those things.
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