Cycling

BY: KIANA BLAKE-CHUNG

I know that recovery is not linear and yet? Every time I start to cycle I feel like a failure which may be why I never want to share when I’m not feeling well. Something inside me just clamps up and I can’t bring my fingers to type. I can’t bring my mouth to speak words or my brain even to form the thoughts to begin explaining what it is that’s going on. But what really needs explaining? We are still in a pandemic and every day is the same and boring so when you lack things to look forward to and your hormones are on the fritz due to your time of the month, any little thing can upset the balance. For me the kiss of death was ordering an iced coffee, the caffeine in which quickly worked to mimic a panic attack. Three weeks later, here I am, overtaken once again by une petite dépression. 

So what to do when I feel like I am spiraling/ cycling into feeling poorly? First things first: I monitor what I drink. I stop drinking alcohol and coffee, because both of those affect my mental state. I personally made the decision a long time ago that when I’m not feeling well I won’t drink because it’s a depressant and I don’t wish to exacerbate my symptoms. Likewise, I have to avoid caffeine because of the way it mimics anxiety in my body, which in turn makes me more anxious. 

I modify my workload. (Disclaimer: this is easy for me to do because I am a full-time stay at home writer, currently.) I try to stick to doing one thing a day so that I can still feel productive. If I get too behind on the things I want to do, then I dig myself into a deeper trench. Unfortunately this isn’t the best thing for trying to develop a brand, grow my instagram or my patreon. Both of those things require consistent posting which is the last thing I wanna do when I’m not feeling well. And writing is extremely difficult for me when I’m depressed, especially given the subject nature of my writing. 

Working from my bed because going to my home office is too much work.

Captured by: Ellen Blake

I try not to isolate myself completely. In the past week I’ve gotten together safely with a friend for a quick outdoor sushi dinner (because it was kinda chilly.) Our time together was the first time I had smiled all week. It was nice to be able to see a friendly face, even though I wasn’t feeling up to it at all. I thought I would just be a dud the entire time but by the end of our conversation I was feeling lighter, without having had to fake being jovial in the first place. I also had a zoom meeting with a few ladies from my church. It was nice to be able to share in a safe space that I wasn’t feeling well and receive some support. 

My friend Ashley gave me a quick tour of her new house.

I made and kept a therapy appointment. Remember: it’s okay to reach out to your mental health professionals when you’re going through it. I typically only see my therapist once a month but I was able to book an appointment that helped me to understand where some of my deeper feelings of hurt were coming from. Once I addressed them with myself, it was as if part of the fog lifted- I understood what was going on even when though situation hadn’t resolved itself. 

I tried to stick to my routine as best I could. I made my mom drag me out of the house to walk the dog with her (moving your body helps). I kept my twice weekly rollerblading goal, even though I could only make myself go outside for half an hour instead of the usual hour I spend skating. I repeated to myself about how I just had to go outside for a little bit- and allowed myself once outside to determine how long I stayed out. The endorphins I was getting from skating were dismal (probably because it was so cold to the point where it wasn’t even worth it) and I came inside, proud of myself for the short time I was able to manage. 

Forcing myself to go outside.
Captured by Kalia Blake

Even though I didn’t feel like it, I reminded myself that hygiene is important and did my best to keep myself clean. I even indulged in my weekly bath and made it a luxurious experience by lighting candles and playing soft music to create an ambiance that added to the enormous amount of bubbles used to help lift my mood.

I had to set alarms reminding myself to eat because I have once again lost my appetite. I’ve relied a lot on nutritional drinks like Boost to get some vitamins into my body. 

Most importantly, I remembered to take my medicine every night, even though I was struggling with the mindset that they were useless because they weren’t working well enough. I know that it is important to stay consistent with medication and I have an appointment coming up with my doctor where we can discuss my feelings and formulate a plan from there. So if you’re feeling similarly just remember to keep taking your medicine. 

Making sure I take my meds.

Captured by: Ellen Blake

Last but not least, if you have a comfort activity, don’t feel badly about overindulging in it. My favorite thing to do is read FanFiction, so that’s what I’ve been doing with a majority of my time the past three weeks. It requires no brain cells, so it is quite literally the perfect activity for me (both when I’m doing well and especially when I am depressed.) When my mood passes, I will go back to limiting my time spent reading in favor of being productive once again. For the time being I will remind myself that time spent doing what I enjoy is not time wasted.

A meme that I made.

So that is how I have been spending the last couple weeks- trying to not fall deeper into depression. Initially I was upset about it because I still have some standard in my mind for myself about how my recovery is supposed to look and not feeling well doesn’t fit with this ideal state of being that I strive for. I often misconstrue being in recovery with being cured. Anytime I’m feeling well I feel like I will never struggle with my mental health again. I know that that is not necessarily true, but can’t help but to hope for this anyway. Cycling reminds me yet again that this illness will most likely plague me my whole life. That’s something I’ve come to accept, so it no longer bothers me. (More on that path to acceptance can be found in my other blog posts called Accepting My Diagnosis as My Disability https://www.mentalhealthtings.com/blog/accepting-my-diagnosis-as-my-disability and Giving Up The Fight. https://www.mentalhealthtings.com/blog/giving-up-the-fight ) 

If you choose not to follow those links for supplemental reading, just remember that the takeaway is to be gentle with yourself as you go through the ebb and flow of your mental state. Remind yourself that you are doing your best. If you have any other tips for dealing with a depression you can comment below!

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